amazing bongos

So, it all plods and trots and gallops along.

2012-01-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

The title of this post is just a random title because one has to entitle a post for the blog. I have no idea what I am going to write about, I just have a little time to ponder.   I suppose that's why people probably title their posts at the end of writing?   I know not.   All I know is that as far as giving titles to my writing or my sermons, I usually end up with something pretty lame.   The kicker is that we do our bulletin on Wednesday, so I have to have a title for my sermon, when I have had just the scantest of time to simply skim the readings, read some thoughts on textweek, but with no real direction.   It's not really fair, is it--to give something a title before it has been created?   Or maybe it's just what it is.   Not a big deal--at least in my world.

So, the grey beautiful boy pitbull is now truly my official foster dog.   We were just having him for a houseguest over Christmas while the adopter went off on Christmas. Guess who didn't come back and get the big boy? No answers to multiple phone calls or texts or emails.   Some people, I tell ya. My wonderful Beloved and I decided (in spite of the chaos it adds to our home) that we couldn't bear to uproot him one more time to another foster, then only to be adopted to another home. Dogs like consistency, and we feel committed to him.   (I personally Adore This Dog, but again, it's not the right time for us.)

So Tye, Titan, Teety Tie, Tooter (many variations of his name) has become quite the lovely office dog. The first few times I had him here before Christmas, before he was adopted, when I was just helping with him and not really fostering him, he was kind of crazy. Today he has curled up on his bed and slept in between rounds of playing tug of war with him. He is a GOOOOOD Boy.

Been wrestling with a few things at work. Transition just is yuck.   It's emotionally wearing on me--which I am allowing myself to recognize, and to reach out for help and support in appropriate places.
I am blessed with amazing and caring supports.    I feel like a baby, because I do have some big tear spillage with my safe supports (darn perimenopause on top of all this...) and at my age, it's embarrassing.   However, I need to let myself have the tears--some of it feels like old grief unrecognized, and some of it feels new and fresh.  While welcoming the tears, I try to consciously remember how strong I am--that strong core inside of me, that God-core.......because recently that has been shook. Shook, shaken...but it hasn't gone anywhere. It still is within, and is a deep well of, all the me-ness that I am.

So, this is where I am today.   Now, off to create some administrivia for others!

Cheers and love,
Me-ness

So, it's Tuesday

2012-01-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

..and I am back to work.
Did the bulletin stuff TWICE because I was going with the Baptism of Jesus, and everyone else was going with Epiphany. I let the the crowd sway me and now will be pondering Those Other Roads we take in life when something changes us.  Or something like that.

I have been in a bit of a funk all fall/holidays. Lots of reasons for this, but I am happy to say that today, I am feeling much more of the energy of me.   I think having time off and totally being slothful and unconnected was a good thing.

I'm not one for resolutions, per say, but I do like to think about endings and beginnings at a time like this.

So...one of the things I look forward to this year in my ministry is to be more creative and spontaneous, and not get into the rut of "this is what we do every year."   We set our calendar during the summer, and then there are few places for suprise and spirit and sheer joy. I won't participate, I say!   Let's love this Beloved Life together! Let's have joy in being Good News to our corner fo the world!

Personally, well, I am looking forward to listening to myself better.   Last summer and fall I had a personal trainer at the gym. I. Loved. Him.   Loved. loved. loved.     Unfortunately, he had to make a sudden out of state move in mid October and we had to break up. I went into mourning, and just stopped exercising. Mostly, anyway. Stoooopid. I tried to do it on my own a couple of times, but it's not the same--you look kind of funny running up and down the stairs at the gym without someone shouting at you to keep going when there is a stairmaster next to the steps.    I know I COULD do this on my own, and that I SHOULD do this on my own, but...frankly, I respond better with a coach.

So, I am going to find a trainer again--because it was fun. I liked getting muscles in my arms, and being able to do killer situps. Now I can't even do one. (like the kind we did in gym class when we were 13--not crunches.) I've let myself go, but I give myself permission to do what I need to be motivated.    I already have an appointment.

Middle age thoughts sort of dog me lately.   I will be 49 this calendar year.   In some ways, I have let my life live me in my 40's--kind of, sort of. I can't really explain this coherently to myself in my head and heart, let alone with real words on paper (o.k., cyber paper).   It's just a feeling that floats a bit around my consciousness. So, I want to think more about this.   How to intentionally and lovingly and
honestly Live my life.   More on that later.

Oh, and this actually should have been first, but I want to be more generous.   I will be more generous.

That's about it for now. I am kind of in between projects here at my desk so thought I would just have a chat here on my blog.

And now,
on with the other stuff.

Cheers!

Happy New Year!

2012-01-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

It's Monday, and I am sliding back into the saddle,
but dang, it is a bumpy ride.
I am "working from home" and there are workpeople here,
Beloved is home,
and the wild life is dogging me, literally.

The foster dog has found his voice--it's loud and booming.
My youngest dog is wrestling him and being an overall brat.

There is so much I need to do,
which means, probably, that I have a lot I just need to let go,
and let be,
and just take one step at a time.

Working on that, God.
Amen.

nursing homes

2011-12-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

This morning I was belting out Christmas Carols at the nursing home communion service I do once a month. As we were singing O Come All Ye Faithful, I thought to myself, "now it feels like Advent".
Most of the residents really don't sing,
but they kinda do.

I found myself wondering if I will ever be in a nursing home, and if I am, will a nice pastor come and sing Christmas Carols and offer the Lord's Supper to me?   Will I care?

I find the nursing home a lonely, stark and holy place.
People at the stage of life where their lights are flickering softly, instead of being in the fire of life.   The wrinkled skins, the faint smell of urine, the dried up pea soup on a shirt...
the bad teeth...
the minds that wander back and forth through  the past to the present.
Will I be there someday?

Since the service is ecumenical, all sorts are rolled in, slumped in their wheel chairs. Many of them have a look of surprise when I offer them the Bread of Life, and the Cup of Promise--as if they just noticed I was there in their sphere. Some of the people open their mouths for me to place the host on their tongues (not my tradition at all, but over the years I have gotten pretty good at keeping it sanitary and not actually touching their tongues....) or they hold the host in their hands and stare at it. The tiny cups of God's promise is more popular--some sip it like a fine wine, some gulp down the sweet juice, smack their lips, and say "yummy!"    I never know what to expect.

At the end, after I have given the benediction, I go to each resident, and bless them.
It's humbling and empowering.
God bless you.
God loves you.
They respond, "Thank You"
or today, "God loves you, dear."

I think receiving blessings from elders is almost sacramental. That holy.

As I said, the nursing home. It is a stark, lonely, and holy place.

Look at who is hanging out with me in my office today...

2011-12-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

I just found an hour.

2011-11-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

I just found an hour. Well, I have wasted about half of it, already, but still--you know when you think a meeting is at a certain time, and then you check your calendar and realize it's an hour later. Sometimes this is good.

So, I ordered candles for the Advent Taize service.

I ate some jellybellies. Yum.

My desk is a wreck, but I didn't straighten it.

I filled out some receipts.

I wished I had my new toy, a ukelele, so I could practice Christmas Carols. No, really, for real.

And now, I think I will simply sit in the rocking chair in my office, and be still for 15 minutes.
Because I can.

Carry on!

this past Sunday...

2011-11-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

you know, you have those Sundays...
when you think you have a pretty good sermon,
feeling good about it, and then as you are preaching it,
your realize it pretty much sucks?

yep. had one those this past Sunday.

which is fine, we all have those, right?

but you see, I don't preach every week, so I always want to nail it--knowing of course this isn't about me at all--but I want to be faithful to the writing and the preparing and praying and musing--and so I kind of went into a tailspin about it.

oh, we are so hard on ourselves sometimes....well, at least I can be hard on myself.

sigh.

onward.

so this dream I had last night....

2011-11-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

This is my last night's dream:

I started a part-time temporary job steps away from the T-stop in Davis square (that looked nothing like Davis Square, I might add.)

I was wandering around gathering information, names, phone numbers, and apparently this was quite helpful. My therapist had her office on the second floor, mine was on the third, although I had to visit the top floor. The company nurse came in to show me how to take blood pressures, and I said, I would be happy to learn, but I need to go and introduce myself to Heidi. This was the second day of work, and Heidi was the CEO. I ran down to her office, and she was this elegant, quirky, artsy person who had three women in wheelchairs in her office, who were also quirky and artsy and the first floor was like a beautiful library....

We had a staff meeting, where everyone read bits of poetry for their reports. Then we all took out our clay and started creating. Everyone left whenever they were finished...and there was clay art and jewelry and fabrics in the "store" for sale. Musicians started showing up to play for a 5:00 wine and cheese gig....one played the harp amazingly.

I didn't have anything for the show, but I had a lot of pots to glaze that were pretty stunning.

They offered me a salary package of 80,000 to become permanent. It wasn't ministry, but I was so happy and relaxed and empowered there. When I awoke, I was in the process of discerning this possibility.

The End.

Friday Five: FiveFreeGifts

2011-11-25T06:44:00.000-08:00

Over at RevGals, Sally writes: "Following on from Thanksgiving, and picking up the "Black Friday" theme of boycotting the Christmas rush for bargains I thought it would be good to set a simple Friday Five yet one to get you thinking. I am sure that you'll agree that some of the best gifts we receive do not come in fancy wrapping paper but might be the gift of an unexpected afternoon with a friend or coming across a long forgotten photograph, or- well the list is endless...

So take a bit of time to think back over the last year and ponder the gifts it has offered to you, then list five of those gifts, in no particular order- there is only one rule- all of these gifts must have been free, neither you nor anyone else should have spent money on them"

So here is my play. If I could figure out how to place photos in my post which seems to be impossible, this would be so much more interesting.

1. Watching the sunset from my lanai on the Big Island of Hawaii for 6 nights in a row.

2. Swimming with wild dolphins on the Big Island

3. The momma and litter of kittens we fostered this fall. They were so much work, and yet so much fun.

4. Deepening friendships that will last a lifetime (you all know who you are!)

5. Middle-aging which has offered me the ability to to settle into my bones and self in a gentler, more loving way.

PreHoliday Prayer

2011-11-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

Oh dear sweet Jesus,

the holiday blitz in on,

even before I relish the day upon which to be thankful.

That crazy blonde lady Target ad,

who drools over the Black Friday flier, and works out in her pumps to get ready for the big shopping extravaganza (have you seen that commercial?)--it makes my stomach sick.

Even the UCC online store has a 25 Days of Shopping Specials, and each day I get an email highlighting the deal of the day. Really? UCC? That is sinful.

Now don't get me wrong,

I like me some UCC bling and I have had a love affair with Target since I was about 12,

but to overload

on the shopping commercials...

it's too much right now.

It's too much.

Oh dear sweet Jesus,

Forgive us,

forgive me.

Help me offer your peace, your hope, your quiet redeeming grace

in the midst of all the lights and glitter and show.

Amen.

just some random thoughts, cause it's Tuesday morning.....

2011-11-22T05:42:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving Week,
which means that the bulletin is already printed for Sunday,
and my colleague is away for the week,
and my other colleague will not be in the office after today,
and my beloved is on staycation all week,
which means that things are a little relaxed right now.

I am not on vacation or leave or anything,
but I am taking advantage of the down time to do what pastors don't get to do at leisure,
which is write and read and wonder....
drink coffee in the morning in pajamas, and
wander over to my office later this morning.

I will get to deliver Meals on Wheels on Thursday.
Nice.
I will take Bubba to work with me.
(he really still has the stinky butt, though, so I think that is a sacrifice on my part.)
I will make some pastoral visits.
I will go to the Apple Store, and have a lesson on how to use this Mac computer.
(I can't remember a thing from the last time).

I will ponder Big Things,
like my call, and my options,
and will ask God to please let me know what is next.
I really, really want to settle in and down.
This feeling in my stomach makes me sad, a little, this unsettled thing.

I will Pray for My Loved Ones.
For my family,
for my adopted family,
for my sister friends...
and my brothers....
I will pray for them....because many of them are going through so much pain and disease and Big Life Stuff.

I will rest in my God,
and I will know that the heart of Jesus
is with me.
Amen

Friday Five, 11.11.11

2011-11-11T12:07:00.000-08:00

Songbird asks us to reflect on 5 ways we go over the top, blast the volume to number 11.....Big. FAT. THANK YOU. to Songbird for creating this FF!!!!

1. Animals. Oh dear. It's a blessing and a curse to live across the street from a foster/rescue organization.
Both my beloved and I get hooked in at the strangest times. However, there are times we just need to, for the sake of the kitties (usually) or doggies (once in a while)

2. Books. Piles of them in my office, my home, and on my Kindle. Just waiting to be read.

3. Shoes. I don't have a ton of them, but shoes make me happy.

4. Pizza. This is unfortunate.

5. hmmm. I wish I could say yoga or jogging or something, but I can't. I can't think of a 5th, which tells me I need to branch out a little more. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing everyday that scares you." I like that. Maybe I will try it.

Bubba

2011-11-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time lately with a gorgeous big furry boy pit bull mix, who is in temporary foster care until we can find a forever home for him, or a more permanent foster situation.

His original name was Jacoby.   Then he was renamed Tristan--a noble name, yes, but doesn't really fit him.   He is the most submissive dog in the universe--he laid down on his back to a lhasa aphsa dog in the park. Really.   For awhile I have called him Dino. He is huge.

He is grey all over, with a little white. Such a soft luxurious grey.   He is a close sitter. Right now, he is curled up on my desk chair behind me. I am hanging off the end to accommodate. Silly, right? If I move to the chair next mine, he will move there. He likes to snuggle.

He smells like fritos and peanut butter, and a faint whiff of cat spray (lots of cats in his foster home--NOT my house however).   He wants to be friends, but they don't like him. He has the scratches on his nose to prove the kitties' disapproval.

Oh his nose. It also is beautiful--sort of a purply grey.   And soft. and wet. and cool.

He snores. Like right now.

In the car, he rests his great head on my shoulder.

I call him Bubba. At least today.

I love him. He makes me laugh.

Praying for some human to come along and fall in love with him too.
Pray with me, please?

wow, my rhythm is....

2011-11-01T07:34:00.000-07:00

...so busy these days, that my blogging has been been on the down low.
or non-existent.

sigh. not the way I want to live!

my work is busy--ministry is good. I am incredibly fortunate to be working with a senior interim that is very collegial, and whose presence I enjoy. I'm gaining a few tools for my toolbox, which is always good. I love my congo so much....
and it is a possibility for me to apply for that position.
don't know if I can wait around that long, frankly...
so my heart stays open,
and I just pray for wisdom and discernment.

my dear, dear friend and animal sitter has found out her cancer has returned, and it is inoperable. I hate this. I am going with her today for her "teaching appointment"--what to expect when she starts chemotherapy. please send her love and light....she is a special person. you would love her, I know.

on the furry family front.
they just all crack me up, and make me laugh. we have kept the momma kitty of the momma/kitten rescue of late August. unless we find a really good home--she is a love bug. the last two kittens went to their furrrever home last weekend....and so now momma is free to roam the house. she has wrought terror in everyone--not skeered of a thing. this has produced a few more passive aggressive pee puddles around the house--hopefully this will fade away, sooner than later.

ummkay. I am watching Rocco the chef sing the zero calorie praises of that shiratake (sp?) noodle stuff.
it's made from soy or something weird--that stuff does NOT REPLACE spaghetti, people. It's gross. It stinks. it smells like dirty feet, really. but go ahead and eat it Rocco. I am going to do 20 more minutes on the treadmill instead. jus' saying.

that's enough randomness, bad capitalization and terrible grammar for now.

happy day to you.

a little hike and a nap.

2011-10-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

so,
when you live in my home,
a staycation is pretty much impossible.
there is always a furry friend that needs something,
a floor to mop,
a countertop to clean,
an errand to run,
clothes to put up, and dishes to wash.
never mind those BIG. house. projects.

even though we took Friday-Monday off together,
we haven't really put the "cation" in "staycation."
we have managed a couple of long naps. (nice!)

today, we went on a hike with two of the doggies.
it was nice, they LOVED it.
we enjoyed it.

and we realized,
that next time,
if we want to feel like we are escaping on a staycation,
the hike needs to be
without the doggies,
in spite of how fun they are.

i did get a pedi, though, today.
totally worth it. doing a pedi for my feet is like putting lipstick on a pig.
but even piggies like lipstick, right?

tomorrow is more errand running.
please pray for my daisy, my firstborn sweetie dog.
her mouth (lips?) are swollen, and scabby from scratching--I just discovered this after her grooming yesterday. she is a month shy of 14.
she hasn't shown she is in pain, has been spicy and happy, and stealing the puppies crunch and growling at her....
but if my lips looked like hers, I would have scabby cold sores all around my smile lines.

poor baby, I can't believe I didn't see this.

this evening,
we are watching football,
blogging, surfing...
gonna jump in the hottube,
and just relax.

as we should.

xoxoxo love to all.

how did this happen?

2011-10-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

When did we get ~~five~~ SIX (really???) days into October already????

Sheesh.

I am so behind in my work-a-strivia-stuff. Yew.

Howevah,
I am taking the weekend off.
I am bone-tired in so many ways, and I need a break.

I had an interesting conversation last night. Hmm, much to ponder and pray for. It did, at least, give me some perspective. And questions...and I need to remind myself not to be lured into magical thinking (in a bad way, not the good way).....I also need to remind myself not to be skeptical--because yes, it is that easy to be these days.

Maybe I need to go laugh with God in a boat and let go.

Yup.
Wish I could have a milky way latte about now because I am sure it would be lovely and sinful.....
but it's too far away.

Instead, I will become my own desk fairy, and straighten things up.
Take good care of thy-selves dear ones!

almost every day

2011-09-27T06:13:00.000-07:00

in the morning,
I take the doggies for their neighborhood walk.
As I round the final corner towards home,
kitty corner across the street,
there is a Haitian grandfather,
wirey and wizened,
sitting on his porch,
watching the traffic go by,
or maybe meditating, who am I to know.
I wave first. Always.
He waves back, and smiles.

Then, I know,
it's a good day, already.

it's one of those days, you know?

2011-09-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

It's one of those days, where I actually have time to get a chunk of work done.   As in: ORGANIZE office.
FILE.   I have already covered the little things on my list, and what really needs my attention are the piles of papers, etc. floating about.

But, I don't feel like it.
I have shuffled a couple of things around.

I want to curl up and read some of the books I have on my Kindle that I haven't read--which are a few.   I download one everytime I hear someone talk about a book. Must. Stop. That.

I got to go to an afternoon Sox game yesterday, with my former colleague on staff. We lost by one run, but the day was gorgeous, and it was fun catching up. I realize I am such a church nerd, because I am so curious as to how others do things in their churches--we talked a lot!   In case you were wondering, I was wearing my new Red Sox track jacket which is very cute.   Jus' sayin.

This morning, I showed up at the gym at 7 am to have my training session with my PT.   He sat me down at his desk and said, "I have bad news. I am moving at the end of the month."   DANGIT! I really like him, and I have never had a PT before, but he has challenged me beyond my limit. If I had been watching what I eat this summer, I might have even lost weight.   In any case, his spouse lives in another state, and it is time for him to make that move.   I have three weeks to lose 30 pounds.   LOL.

In other news, the kittens/momma that my beloved rescued two weeks ago are growing, growing, growing. They are between 4-5 weeks, and I could watch them for hours.   It's been fascinating watching their development from not being able to walk at all, to now when they are just learning to scamper and ~~beat up~~
play with one another.

Speaking of reading, have you read Zeitoun by David Eggers?   It was the summer reading for the high schools in my town--everybody reads it, including teachers and staff.   It is a true story of a Muslim man who lived in New Orleans through and post Katrina.   I highly recommend it.

Well, I just looked around, and it appears that the cleaning fairy is not going to show up and help me organize my office. ~~Bitch~~    I mean, I know she isn't real. Sigh.

What about you? Whatcha' doin'? Whatcha' supposed to be doing?

Friday Five: Seeking!

2011-09-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

Over at Revgals, Jan posts this Friday Five:
I was struck in our weekly Lectio Divina group by a few verses from Psalm 105:3-4:

. . . let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually.

Seeking is rejoicing. Rejoicing comes from the seeking, NOT the end of glory, heaven, enlightenment, or whatever. Seeking is the journey--RIGHT NOW!

So for this Friday Five, list what you are seeking, whether it is trivial, profound, or ordinary--whatever you would like to share!

So, here is my play.

1. Professionally, I am seeking to be fully present in my current call, but also growth in that call, or wherever else the journey takes me. Right now, this isn't fully clear.

2. My pottery group started back today, in an amazingly gorgeous new studio. WOW. My project for the semester will be ceremonial ware, so I am seeking to create 3-4 communion sets, along with baptism bowls. I am seeking inspiration for their forms and surface design.

3. I am seeking a housecleaning fairy that sneaks in and scrubs my bathroom and kitchen floors. Do you know where she or he can be found?

4. I am perpetually seeking the perfect pair of shoes. Unfortunately, or fortunately, every pair seems the most perfect. ;-)

5. I am seeking to be more mindful in my meditation spiritual practices. To be more intentional without being dogmatic with myself.

That's about it!

And we are offffff!!!!!!!

2011-09-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

Well,
the program year has started with an incredible...whoosshhh.

In other words, really busy.

I am still where I was planted five plus years ago, and getting used to having a new interim senior colleague. This is going fine. Different, getting used to it, fine. As an interim situation, I suspect that I am very lucky.

It's just not the place I envisioned being in when we moved here 6 years ago.

I adore my congregation. I love my work. Don't get me wrong. I also am very, very, very weary of the being the second pastor. Kind of sort of ready to be in my own gig. Have been for some time.

However, I know this is not the plan of the universe, for now, and that I am where I am supposed to be for now.

There are times I rejoice--I love watching our children grow up--I mean, really, J is in middle school this fall??? And oh, how grown up N is!! I am grateful that I know R's story, so that in this current transition, I can be fully, pastorally there (as best I can).....It's all really a gift, you know?

There are times I am embarrassed--that I am STILL an associate pastor (just naming it--I know better--but it is a part of how I feel) and there are times I am bewildered. I know the Gentle Divine gets it.

And tonight,
As the temperature changes, and a cool breeze is wafting in the open window, I am every so humbled and welcoming of that great Gentleness.

Amen.

Elevators

2011-08-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

Or not.
I had a dream the other night, which was fairly prophetic.
First, it indicated the restlessness of my soul,
and it revealed the part of my ego that tells me "you haven't earned it, yet".

The other part was about the elevator.
I got into an elevator to go to the 13th floor, where my new apartment was...
and yet, the elevator went beyond the roof of the building to barely touch the bottom of a bridge like structure.   The elevator told me that floor hadn't been developed yet.

I really needed to get to my room.   So, I went to the old elevator, which instead of going directly up, went on this circuitous path on the ground, like a cable car, winding through construction, taking forever until it stopped at another elevator that promised to take me to my room.

The impression that I am left with is that there is no direct route, although that would make sense.   This is a circuitous journey through construction I am on.....and it doesn't make sense or is even logical. It just is.

I am restless.
I am impatient on this journey.
It is confusing and challenge and burgeoning with Question.
So much to think about in this dream.

Oh God,
bless the restlessness of my heart, and the dancing thoughts in my mind.
Amen.

Friday Five, abbreviated....

2011-08-12T17:43:00.000-07:00

Over at revgals Terri posted a beautiful Mary Oliver poem, which pretty much will leave you breathless--well at least, it did me. Mary Oliver poetry= thick, gorgeous, rich, delicious, juicy, drippy, and yet perfect.

Anyway,
after the poem, she invited us to share five gratitudes. So even though it is late in the Fry-day...I feel the need the spiritual practice of gratitude. So here it goes:

1) I am grateful for the cloud of friends who offer love and beauty and support and depth to my life. Whether I know you from my 20's or 30's, whether you were my mentor or teacher or student or member of congregations past and present, virtual friend, revgal, soul sister, soul brother, or everything beyond and in between I stop speechless at the variety and incredible wealth I have experienced from all of you. Seriously--blessing upon blessing upon blessing.

2) I am grateful for the cicadas and night sounds right now. For the quiet of the house, for the lull of traffic, for the purrs of cats and snoring of dogs.....and the sound of my beloved busy downstairs with everything and nothing....

3) I am grateful for being relaxed in this moment--in spite of recent disappointments and impending confusions that need to be resolved, and how unsettled things are professionally in many ways. Yes...for now, I can simply place all of that on the shelf.

4) I am grateful for....well, one revgal is grateful for tins and plastic cr*p that make housekeeping easier, I guess I will say I am grateful for shoes. I love shoes. It's a weird thing, but they just make me so happy. I am no shoe hoarder, and only wear practical ones, but still, they make me happy. So silly, I know.

5) Am grateful for....having been raised in faith, for experiencing God in so many ways, and for now, knowing I will always rest in the arms of God. In spite of my doubt and questions and seeking, I always know to Whom I belong, and that I am beloved by the Beloved.

and lastly, so very grateful for the gentle invitation of this Friday Five. Thank you Terri.

it's just all confusing.

2011-08-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

I know you know what I mean.
Sometimes,
When you think you are following a path....
and
you are affirmed in a certain way,
and
informally,
you think all are on board,
and the messages get mixed....
and it all gets confusing.

Well.
Don't mean to be cryptic, because this is the kind of situation that could happen anywhere. Anytime, with anyone.

My prayer these days is to not over-react.
My prayer these days is to not feel threatened.
My prayer these days is to be strong and confident, and, in the words of my dear friend, which I am not stealing, but just embracing in the moment, is to be fierce and fabulous for Jesus.
Or at least,
believe that Jesus thinks I am fierce and fabulous...
because honestly,
sometimes I wonder.

I am a tree, with deep roots.
My roots feel a little shaken loose right now. I am not uprooted, I am still a living tree with deep roots.
Maybe just a surprised tree--
Like, maybe how trees feel when a limb is broken off,
or a huge storm whips it around....

So,
good, great God....
please hear my prayer,
and hold me close.
Amen.

scattery-ness!

2011-08-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

This is the first week all summer in my office that I feel like I have the luxury of time to wade through what is on my desk, file what is in the piles, and dream and wonder--well, after today anyway, since today is checking off the list all the things I should have finished by now but have not.

I am feeling a bit scattery---not scattered, because that is past tense--really, scattery, like all over the place.
Breathing in....
Breathing out...
it's hard to measure my breath in slow rythmn when I just want to, oh I don't know, get it all done, have it all right, have everything brilliantly into place.

I know, I know, I kid myself with this illusion.

I think I will put the computer to sleep,
straighten up the papers on my desk into a neat pile,
go over to the rocking chair with my breath and
settle in and meditate.

Lord, hear my prayer...
to focus, to see your vision, to know my vision,
to dream big, and live in the now.
Amen.

packing memories

2011-07-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

again,
this is one of those posts where I want to list what I want to reflect upon before I forget it....hopefully in August I will be able to actually write...

I am sitting in the only free wi-fi spot in Western North Dakota....a coffee house named "Daily Addiction" cute name, but my chai was made from powder--powder, and then hot water poured in. Sigh. I guess I shouldn't expect so much when the county courthouse cafe is the best lunch spot in town, right?

Packing up my parent's house has been a trip. This is a house I grew up in--from third grade on. I was sneaking around in the basement last night---I've stashed a bottle of wine in the downstairs fridge which is in the laundry room, and when I opened the door to the laundry room, it creaked. It creaked just like it did thirty years ago when I was in high school. It's funny how many memories a creaky door evokes---as a little kid, I would sneak to that fridge to steal Christmas cookies (o.k., I did that as an adult, too)....and then there was the summer I was dating a much older man who was working in the oil fields, and sneaking down the stairs that still creak with the same sound as the laundry room door. Any way, I want to write more about the creaks.

And I want to write about the memories thrown into the dumpster--my barbie doll case with only Ken remaining in it; and the oil paintings I painted as a teenager, and the piano lesson music, and all of the jars my mother has saved for, oh, about 40 years, and the missing things, like the elm trees in the backyard that created so much havoc because it dropped so many twigs and my stepfather was never satisfied at how we cleaned them up, and the electric frying pan that my mom would fry liver in that I was made to eat, and I would gag it down because if I didn't it would be world war three.....

and then, how old they are....how forgetful and tender and vulnerable they both are...my mom and my stepdad....how they bicker and yet they are each other's anchors in spite of....losing their minds (literally) and being scared of this move more than they let on, and yet the ball is rolling and there is no turning back...which is good....and how I want to just wrap them up in my arms and want to tell them that I am going to take care of them, and not to worry, but I worry too, but I will, and my sisters will take care of them, no doubt.....

Really, though, I came to do a little work on my sermon for Sunday. So...for now, I will let all of this rest, and finish my powdery chai.

I really look forward to Starbucks on Saturday in Boston.

whoops!

2011-07-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

note: I just embarrassingly posted this at the RGBP place for prayer. So glad I caught it in the same minute and deleted it. it is deleted, right?

thought list.

I've been back from vacation for a few days....I led worship/preached on Sunday while jetlagged (in a serious way---I told my congo that if my words slurred it wasn't because I had imbibed in any early morning cocktails, but that it felt like 3 in the morning to my body)....

Then I enjoyed the 4th...and yesterday was the first day back in the office. Caught up on emails, tried to discern the status of a serious pastoral situation, and then around 3:30 headed over to Whole Foods to get a little light lunch which turned into the Devil Food, and not in a good way. (I know, I have mentioned this on Twitter and Facebook, which makes it true. I am a certifiable Drama Princess. Not quite queen material yet, but I am working on it.) Thing is, I haven't lost my cookies like that since I was a kid. Oof.

Which is to say, after feeling like crap for about 18 hours, now I am just left over and don't feel like anything, but know that I need to get a leg up for Sunday worship.

But I have a list of posts to write, or thoughts to explore, so I am going to list them here, so that hopefully when I am all chipper and ready to ponder, I will remember what it was I wanted to think about out loud on the page.
1. Wiggy--a tribute to my little dog that we needed to put down on Sunday
2. Swimming with dolphins. and herds of fish and turtles.
3. Aloha spirit, and the spiritual depth of hawaii.
4. Wild chickens and roosters in Kauai
5. The meaning of the ecumenical baptism agreement that Synod approved (or whatever).
6. Personal group emails--this is a good one.
7. Pastoring sick people in New England.
8. My parents moving out of their home after living in it for 40 years, and moving to Minnesota after living their whole lives in one town.
9. My call. That's ongoing.
10. sermons and podcasts.
11. probably other stuff too, but can't remember right now.

I have parked myself at Starbucks for a little while. After sipping my coffee, wondering if this was a good idea. Oh well.

What are YOU thinking about?

Three Days

2011-06-14T05:06:00.000-07:00

So...countdown to vacation.
Three days to get everything all together...sometimes it feels like you need to take time off to get ready for vacation! It doesn't help that we have all these animals--the battle against the hair and hair balls is constant.

My Sunday went well....
I think that my sermon was very good, and the service as a whole was connected and flowed. We had children singing and cool things from the choir. My congo loved it. My visitors--???---I have no idea. At lunch we had a nice light discussion, and they made favorable comments.

Yesterday, I worked with my personal trainer, and I had a boxing lesson. It was GREAT. Fun...and I am still sore. I do like having someone to work with me, and I am learning alot.

I finally got my flowers in yesterday, and planted some tomatoes. Here's hoping I have better luck than last year.

Today is a dreary and wet day. Will we ever have several days of sun?

Trying to decide what "craft" to take along with me. Knitting? Crocheting bracelets? I always want to have something to do besides reading.

Time to walk doggies. Then off to Zumba.

The Pastor

2011-06-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about pastoral identity. How do you present as a pastor, if you are one?   Or, how do you view your pastor?

For example, I had this great conversation with my former colleague at dinner last week. He has a priestly sort of pastoral identity.   What I mean is that he really sees The Pastor as a conduit to connecting to God. He just happens to be the one filling that The Pastor role. Well, not any more, but he will fill that role as The Pastor somewhere else.   We talked about how he insisted that his office not be called Joe's Office (psuedonym) but rather The Pastor's Office.    He really did this well, filling The Pastor identity role.   It gave me so much insight into our past four years together. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Yes--and my colleague is a gifted pastor and leader. It was difficult at times, but over all , good.

On the other hand, I think of myself as a pastor...I suppose that is because I am currently an associate pastor, but when I think back on 11 years of ministry, it is always how I have approached my calls.   As a pastor I am a part of my congregation, but with a different call and role in it.   I have to have certain boundaries, because I am bound to confidentiality.  However, I think of my office, as well, my office. Karla's office.   When I preach, I am very personal about my own journey--a traveler alongside of, maybe at times in different places. I focus on faith and spirituality so I can share what I have learned with my congregants.   I know there is a certain sense of authority I embody, but that is because I am charged with certain ministries and tasks over which I have authority....I don't think I am articulating this all that well.    But I think, that when I am in my own congregation, I will still think of myself as a pastor in the congregation, maybe even the pastor of the congregation, but not The Pastor.

What about you?

the end.

2011-06-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

So,
Today we had our farewell worship and liturgy for my colleague, who although not technically retiring (he is going on to do f/t interim ministry) we (the congo) treated it like a retirement, since he has been with the congo for 16 years.

The last month has been a month of lasts, for him. I decided my role was to be Support, and to make sure every detail that perhaps a lay person hadn't thought of, would be taken care of. Our moderator, and the farewell team were phenomenal. The whole congo was phenomenal....and worship today was beautiful. The hymns, the music, my colleagues message, communion by intinction with chalices and patens made by our 91 year old potter (who started to learn pottery four years ago), to the farewell liturgy. Lovely gifts....and a surprise tie dye t-shirt and pocket altar from the youth really blew him away. I feel that it all has been healthy and lovely....and for my own closure with him..., well, we went out for bombay sapphire martinis and greek food. YUM. And, delightful.

So, we enter into the summer. Next week, on Pentecost, there will be guests in worship that I know of (you know what I mean).....and then two weeks of vacation in Hawaii. The rest of the summer I will be the pastor and head of staff (staff of two, hah!) until the interim arrives near the end of August. I will have to visit my 'rents at some point, because their health is so, well, tentative.

I imagine, I will have some decisions facing me.

For now,
I am just glad,
that the farewells have been generous and thorough.

And,
now, a new chapter begins.

Amen.

just a prayer

2011-05-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

a prayer.
help me listen.
help me know.
help me be honest within.

help me HEAR you speaking.
are you speaking?
are you silent?

how to proceed?
how to know?

so many questions.
so many prayers.

know this.
I am so ready, so ready, so ready....
for movement.
so that I can settle.

you have called me to this. well, at least I think so.
no. This I Know.

what to let go of?

why has this been so....oh, I don't know. complicated?
maybe I am making it complicated.

where is the dream?

dear, dear, dear One.
lead me
guide me....
and help me to know that it is You.

Amen.

a first love, a little tear....

2011-05-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Oh!
Some days I just ADORE what I get to do for a living.

I took an elder from the congregation to an appointment today.    She has the most interesting story--she was born in Eastern Europe, and during WW 2, she was part of a youth resistance/revolutionary movement against the Nazis and Russians....so much so that she had to escape her country.   She is writing a book about it--I will let you know when it is available.

What was sweet is that we were talking, and she was telling me a little about the rest of her story, and she mentioned that she fell in love before she left Europe for the U.S.   She said that he didn't want to emigrate, and a pause.

I leaned over and asked her, "Was he your first love?"
And a tear rolled down her cheek as she nodded.
"To this day, every day," she said, "I still think about him, even though it is o.k."

Sigh. Precious, precious lives we intersect with, no?

well....

2011-05-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

It turned out that the meeting I skipped yesterday was actually GOOD! Oh well, can't do everything all the time.

Just back from our spring staff lunch--we went for Thai, which we always do. We realized that out of the six of us, only three will be back in the fall. Yes, times, they a'changin'

My time in the studio yesterday was interesting. I have been handbuilding for the past four years, which means I haven't touched the wheel in that long. Throwing is so much faster than handbuilding, but I like the wonky shapes I can make by handbuilding.   However, the past week or so, I have been thirsty to throw.

I forgot how WONKY my wheel is!   It is hard to center on it, because it skips a little bit in weird ways.   I threw a couple of bowls, a couple of cylinders. I was wondering if throwing was like riding a bike--can you just hop on, and remember?

Turns out, it's more like playing the piano after an absence, or jogging. You can do it, but not that great. Everything takes practice...but I have to say it wasn't all bad. You remember most of the basics, and you are rusty.

I haven't preached in forever.    I won't preach until June 12.   That will be over two months. I wonder how rusty I will be with that?

just a tuesday morning....

2011-05-10T05:20:00.000-07:00

so I am SKIPPING a meeting this morning--"Day of Covenant" where our conference minister meets with clergy of the association. I have been to t~~hree~~ FOUR of these--and they are typically the same. He has a little ice breaker, then we sit in a circle and he writes down what we all want to talk about, and then he talks. Then we have communion, and lunch.

Since I have two conference/association events on Saturday and Sunday, I think my time is better spent this morning getting caught up on Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwartzenegger's NEWS , Chaz Bono's interview on GMA, and thinking about Whitney going back to treatment. (Hope she is o.k.)

I also want to get downstairs and in my studio for a couple of hours, and then off to the office after lunch.

I think Chaz Bono is amazing. Good for him....and for all he is doing for people who are transgender.

Hmmm, time for another cup of coffee.
Amen!

Sunday reflections...

2011-05-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

So, today in worship,
the youth did a clown service under the great leadership of our seminary intern. The youth love dressing up in clowning attire, and basically, the service is totally mimed, with a narrator. They did a twist on the text of the lost sheep, where the shepherd goes after one, and then...the question we all have---what happened to the 99? In the service today, they wandered off and disappeared. Hilarious.

We sang Beatles songs and Down by the Riverside. The sermon was the St. Dr. Seuss story of The Lorax. The clowns took the offering, and shared hershey kisses at the same time. They played Ode to Joy and Jesus Loves Me on kazoos. They were awkward, wonderful, and beautiful clowns.

It was lovely, and silly. And deep.

I have to confess, as I get older, Mother's Day becomes more poignant for me. I know I nurture many, I know that I am "mama" to many furry babies. I share love, and caring....and am a mother in so many ways.

But I do mourn the fact that I have never given birth. Our choice not to have babies. I heard on the radio today someone who described parenthood as "mortgaging your soul" because it all rests on the happiness and well being of this person you have brought into the world. And I know, too, that parenthood is one of the hardest and most difficult challenges of life. If life circumstances had been different, I know I would have been an amazing and probably terrible mommy. Both and. Sigh. This day, I admit, it is hard.

Even though I celebrate all the ways in which I nurture...and the way in which we all nurture, and in the way our Mother God loves us.

May it be so.
Amen.

ah.

2011-05-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

It's sort of scaring me, but I have about three hours of unstructured time this afternoon.   I am not sure how THAT happened.    Certainly, I have a lot to do--but it may be that I actually might do some filing this afternoon. Sorting.

Change is afoot. My colleague is ending a sixteen year long ministry, and the weeks are counting down. He is busy passing on information, things he has done, historical things, etc.   He is also enmeshed in so many details--he is a detail person extraordinaire. I appreciate him reminding me of some future things--because it is for his comfort. I already am on the ball with the future things. I gently tell him that, and try to keep it all in context.

In any case. I am glad for a little respite of time--last week I was out every night.

Wish I could meet some of you for coffee this afternoon!!

so it's a lovely spring day...

2011-05-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

...here in Boston.
I have been slammed today with meetings, and I have a headache from thinking too much. Pondering. In a minute I am going to jump in my car and head downtown boston for lunch at the Trident Booksellers Cafe with our seminary intern, and THEN we are going to go shopping for clown accoutrements. Yes. I said clown stuff.

Do any of you have clown services with youth?

After lunch, I will come back over here to Newton and figure out everything I am thinking about--or NOT!

What's your day like?

a morning off....

2011-04-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am taking this morning off.
You see, I commute across Boston to get to my office/church, so once I go over there,
I stay.

So, I am sipping coffee, got to see Lady Gaga perform "Judas" on Ellen, catching up on emails (o.k., so that is work, I know), reading blogs, and will need to exercise at some point. I wish I could go to a Zumba class, but nothing close by. That's o.k.

So, some of my favorite moments are like this. Writing, relaxing, coffee, three doggies snoozing around me and one cat meticulously grooming herself. The windows are open, the breeze is strong and even a little humid, and in this pause I realize how blessed life is.

Then,
I go on--that I ought to be doing so much more with this blessed life. I don't mean that in a self-deprecating or self-scolding way. I mean it as a question, a yearning to live even more deeply and authentically in my call.

The feeling of impatience overshadows me. I am so ready to move ahead, start something new, be more of who I can be as pastor, preacher, fellow journey-er, seeker of justice and action. I have been holding back some, because of the nature of my position as "associate" and how that plays out in my current call.

However, knowing that all we have is really the moment--I know I need to not be "waiting" until the spring program year is over. How do I...dear Holy One, how do I agitate the now, how do I engage in empowerment and excitement...or at least open windows?

How do I know how You are leading me?
Help me get it, help me be open to discerning and thinking creatively with the information and perceptions you put before me....
You know, feel free to Knock. Me. Over. My. Head....I can be a little dense, but what I really, really, really need dear One, is clarity. and courage. And open eyes and heart to see, to get what might be right under my nose.

This is my prayer.
Amen.

Frittering....

2011-04-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

So, I had planned twenty minutes ago to run out and get a coffee before confirmation class.
Before I left, I wanted to look up a couple of things on the web, and as the web as a knack for doing, I started going down some rabbit holes....

You see, I think Google is a kind of goddess. I look something up, say, a website. When I find the website, then I look around for what I am looking for...and then a question forms in my head, and I can't find the answer on the website, so I just google my question, and VOILA!   I find the answer--or at least what I am looking for. I love that I can type a question in, and find several options for the information I am looking for, or wondering about.

I am not picky with my searches, either. They range from where can I buy true vegan cheese to whether a church is gay friendly or if a certain person I think exists really does...I look for yarn and beads and seeds and the best deal on pottery tools.    I look for free patterns, for jobs, for dankso shoe outlets and t-shirts. I ask questions about spiritual formation and children and look up my friend's ministries and more.

And before I know it, I have paid so much homage to the Google Goddess, that it is now too late to worship the coffee gods.

Jus' sayin.

Easter Tuesday Confession

2011-04-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,
in spite of being incredibly productive, especially for me on a Monday....
My being was very low.
I can't really chalk it up to being busy with Easter, because really, I didn't do any planning/preaching/creating for Holy Week. I did help set things up, and participated in the services, but you know what I mean.

It's been a long program year--and the next six weeks are packed.
Packed.
I realize that as of now, I am in the same place I was last year at this time, but now it is totally different.

I am looking for my Easter Joy,
my groove,
my spark.

The sun is shining today.
It is warming my soul.
Ah!

In spite of mixed emotions,
there is so much to be grateful and thankful and hopeful for.

I just wish I had more control over it.
Sigh.
Amen.

good friday...

2011-04-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am working into this, this Holy Week.
Trying to find my place, in the words, in the music, in the ministry, in the liturgy...
It's easy to disconnect from it when my part is ancillary...
It's easy to go through the motions of it...
I suppose that is why I need the cross, then, isn't it? I am standing there, right now,
feeling petty and small
instead of getting it.

Last night, at the Maundy Thursday service, the music was transcendent and deep.

We always do foot washing, communion, and then a service of Tenebrae. The youth do the readings. We all sit around two long tables in the shape of the cross. After each reading, the reader extinguishes a candle, and then joins the congregation, until the church becomes completely dark.

I love watching the faces of the youth. They are squirmy, and haven't practised their readings, and are nervous and giggly, all the while they are reading about the betrayal and crucifixion of Jesus. Such a juxtaposition--but somehow it works for me. In the past, I would have given them my teacher eye--you know what I am talking about--the look that says it all to shape up and be serious and reverent---I have perfected that look. However, now I just gaze upon the youth, with a half smile on my lips, loving them the way they are. They are always serious when they actually read.

It's a hard and intimate thing, reading these scriptures. Just like adolescence--it's hard, it's intimate, it's uncomfortable, it's happy, it's dreadful, it's beautiful and sad--it's so so much. Just like the Passion of Christ.

Our seminary intern asked me after the service, if it was hard, seeing these amazing kids grow up, and then leave. You know--it's not. I love watching them develop and grow--and yes I miss them when they move on, but they always, always stay in my heart. Even when I forget them over time, and then remember. It's the stuff of ministry. It's the stuff of love.

It's the stuff of Passion, and hopefully, of Resurrection.
Amen.

full head!

2011-04-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those weeks--well, of course you do.
Literally, from Friday to about Tuesday around 5:00 I was so discombulated FOR. NO. APPARENT. REASON. I totally blew writing my prayer for prayerpals, I forgot an important appointment on Tuesday at noon, I messed up submitting a contribution to a blog that I only need to remember once in awhile.

On Sunday, we had the reception of new members--and my colleague sent me the outline to place in the bulletin. I felt there was something missing, but the service bulletin was so packed, I guess I thought I was simplifying things. Turns out, before worship, that I had left three elements out, because of the way the outline opened on my computer earlier that week.   We didn't lose anything, and it wasn't a big deal, but
I am usually pretty good with details--although I am no where near OCD.   So feel bad. And I am sorry to have let others down. I hate that. I hate that it all looks irresponsible. Or at least, not together.

I have snapped somewhat out of it--I've had some breathing room today, and am crossing t-s and dotting i's .

What else. Holy Week is upon us.   For most, this is a hectic time.   We have all our bulletins finished for the services next week.   I am not preaching NOT once in the four services we will have in the next seven days. I haven't been a participant in planning them, except to proof the bulletins. (no, really, o.k., yes, I do have mixed feelings about this....) I am really not used to the idea of using the same outlines every year, but I guess that's tradition.   Sometimes I like to bust out of the routine, you know?    Enough of this line of thought, for now.

Well, it's an absolutely gorgeous day, and I have to go the office supply store. Luckily, it is next to Starbucks....am thinking to swing by TJ's too, and get some groceries before my next meeting.

RGBP Friday Five: Towards Resurrection!

2011-04-08T05:56:00.000-07:00

Over at RevGals, Dorcas offers us a hopeful Friday Five, based on the journey from Lent to Easter, Darkness to Light. She writes:
".... today I am askig for your thoughts on that movement from darkness to light. Tell us five ways in which you are anticiping, or your life is moving towards light, joy, hope--new things: new ideas, new hobbies, new people...and so on."

So, here are my thoughts.....

1. I am a five day old VEGAN. I have been thinking of making the switch from vegetarian to vegan for quite some time, but couldn't imagine life without cheese--and I do love eggs once in a while. However, my love for living creatures was creating a disconnect--there is so much cruelty and non-accountability in the business of corporate chicken farming, and let's not talk about the standards in traditional dairy farming. If I had the time and energy to consistently seek out a small farm where I could buy eggs from little chickens running around, I would. And certainly, at the farmer's market, where I might meet someone selling her beautiful goat cheese that she made from her herd of 20 goats, I wouldn't be able to open my wallet fast enough.
So, for me, a daily practise of eating vegan is a better way to go---with the occasional foray into humane dairy eating. The wonderful thing is that I feel really, really good. I think I might have been clogging up my body with all the mozarella from my three day a week pizza parties. ;-)

2. My beloved and I have started a practise of exercising together at 5 in the morning. Our schedules are so opposite, and one of the things, in the past, we would always do is exercise together. Neither of us have anything scheduled at 5 in the morning. so off to the gym we have been three times this week.
Yay for us. If we can get in 3 or 4 weekdays at the gym, I would be very happy.

3. My ministry is opening up in many ways. I realize how much I have been "managing up" the past four years....in spite of transition, I am feeling very positive. Last night we had our Women's Spirituality Gathering, and it was so very lovely and special. At the end, one of the women slipped a small tissue wrapped square in my hand. She had been helping her mother pack up her house to move to a sr. living facility, and while they were going through things, she found a small stained glass ornament. Sixty years ago, our church burned down, and nothing really remained except the rubble and shards of the beautiful stained glass windows. The members collected what they could to recycle--and the stained glass windows became a fundraiser by turning them into ornaments! There aren't many around...and when N. found this, she said she thought of me immediately, and wanted me to have it.
It was so touching. Good, good things moving towards the Light.

4. I'm fostering two kittens right now. They are full of light.

5. The hints of warm weather. I hate socks...and no-sock days are on the horizon---hooray!

So I only have about ten minutes...

2011-04-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

..which will indicate for you the quality of writing on this post. However, I have been thinking about something this afternoon that I don't want to forget about.

This afternoon, I attended our interfaith clergy association, in which we met with the new superintendent of schools in the city in which I serve my church. We have a fabulous school system.

The Super is amazing-super. I was so impressed with his facility of educational theory and knowlege and content, while being totally down to earth.

We talked about stress on our teens. He flipped the conversation to stress in our culture--and that yes, schools have a role to play in thinking about stress, but he wanted to go deeper-to talk about stress as a cultural issue and what causes stress--
and he thinks it's fear. Fear.
Parents fear for the future of their children, fear of failing, fear of wanting the best, but not getting it....
fearing what the world will be like in 10-20 years.....
Fear.

What do you think of this? (I am not representing the brilliant way in which he articulated this, so it might sound a little facile.)
I thought it was sort of theological, in a way.
Jus' sayin'

ramblings...with a FF starter....

2011-04-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

First, over at RevGals, Kathryn asks us to share five things that are good in life.....
so,
1. puppy Cooper, who turns 1 today. (actually we made her birth date up because we don't know what her birthday is, and she is such a holy terror we thought April Fool's Day would be a good birthday.

2. OPENING. DAY. (Baseball, people. Red Sox and Rangers, tonight, in Texas.)

3. Clay. I spent far too much time in the studio today to be legal, but it was great. Can't wait to show you my mosaic I am working on.

4. My Beloved.

5. Almond milk.

Oh....big sigh. This week--actually the last month since the BE4 has been quite full. I am really, really drained from everything. SP resigning, discerning how to be in the transition, working with the Pastoral Staff Relations, discerning some more; dismay at the termination of the staff person in our conference responsible for church vitality and evangelism. Yes. Really. And the defunding of the Hispanic Ministries that is so tender and growing....and it's not like it gets a whole lot of funding, anyway. Collaborating with colleagues on how to address this injustice.....just a whole heck of a lot. Like everyone else. I'm not special in that way, I know.

I have had lots and lots of opportunities to pray this month, though--in community, in meditation, in worship, with colleagues.....lots of breathing and reflection, which is appropriate in this season of Lent.

Today I decided I would like to start blogging more about my art and finding ways to deepen my experience with clay. Right now I am working on a very whimsical level, which is fun, but I want to...make things that are pretty, too. Intentionally. After all these years in clay, I am just determining my style, which is interesting to me. Chunky, bright, wonky.

I think, that with so many others, we are all so weary of the winter, of the grey skies, the brown yards...

So my prayer is for Spring...may its tendrils begin to unfurl in my psyche and my heart and my body.

Amen.

so today...rambling

2011-03-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is a post that really ought to be over at 750words.com since I am not really crafting anything.

I am sitting on my bed, working from home this morning. I have one snoring poodle at my feet, another poodle sleeping on my knee, devil puppy resting vigilantly on my right, and Lucy cat snuggled up to my iphone at the right.

The day is gray....it snowed last night, but it is gone....my tulips, that were just starting shoot up, well, I hope they are o.k. I don't think there was a hard freeze last night.

And Lent. We are in Lent. I do love Lent. In my congregation we typically have a potluck dinner, and then a discussion series throughout this season. This season we are exploring "Who is Jesus to me?". Last night we combined this discussion with the pastor's class with our confirmation class--so it was intergenerational. Many of the students' mentors were there, which was so great.

I have to tell you, this particular group of students are incredibly, beautifully, and interestingly delightful!
They are so engaged, and their mentors are, as well. We had three separate segments, with an ice breaker at the beginning, and prayer at the end. They were hilarious is describing to each other what they had for breakfast--like they were talking about four course gourmet meals that centered around cheerios and skim milk. We also looked at images of Jesus in art--which was incredibly powerful.

It's been a week of weird karma, I think, for some people in my life. Terminations of employment, Christians not being very christian, and generally, just all around thoughtlessness in spite of probably thinking thoughtfully, but in only one paradigm. UGH.

For me, on Monday, I finished four planters that I will take to the studio to be bisqued and then I will glaze later. It felt good to finish them--I actually went downstairs to my home studio to throw, because I haven't done that for a few years, and I want to make some chalices, but then those wrapped up coil pots started calling to me--I thought they weren't salvageable because I hadn't wrapped them correctly. I was joyfully wrong, and spent four hours carving flowers and animals and abstract designs. So, so nourishing.

Lots of other things professionally knocking about in my head and heart, but thankfully, no urgent decisions to be made. This is good....and so I keep holding things in the light and to God, and ask for Spirit's guidance, and peace.

bad t.v.

2011-03-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

So, there has been just a little stress over in my world these days...
Not huge stress,
just changes...
and not knowing my place in teh change...
which should be clearer by tomorrow, or Friday.

In the meantime,
I've been meditating and brain dumping on 750 word.com, eating glorious pesto mozarella ricotta pepperoni calzones, and watching really bad t.v.
The Bachelor.
Sister Wives.
Basketball Wives. (disclaimer, I was at the gym and forgot the ipod, but had my earphones to plug in...probably the lowest of the low in t.v. entertainment. seriously, worse than Jersey Shore. Oh, yes, I watched one of those, too).

Wait, you ask, did you say PEPPERONI??? Aren't you a vegetarian? Why I am, thank you for asking.
But the best comfort food in the world is either pepperoni on a pizza, or a mcdonald's cheeseburger (yes, the kidmeal kind). I know, messed up, right? ;-)

Speaking of the gym, I have done that a couple of times, too...plus long brisk walks with the doggies.
Very good for the soul, and much more healthy than aforementioned food.

So. Change.
Is good, right?
Spring is change--the crocus' are coming out, purple for lent....

and this Lent, the journey is real, and good, and curious.

Amen.

so, oh much...

2011-03-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

So.
Sigh.

So much holding in my heart.

I can say that my colleague, SP has resigned to move on to interim ministry.

So many implications for my ministry and call....

And many questions and wonderings,

And prayers for...

I am not sure.

Just prayers.

Meanwhile, I distract my mind with watching the season finale of "The Bachelor"---which I haven't watched at all this season---or any season, really.

Escaping isn't a bad thing, is it?

Faith and Trust.

2011-03-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

Recently I had a dream...
Where I was asked, by a Sage Woman, "Who CAN'T you trust?"
and I started naming all these names until I just started sobbing.
I laid down on the floor..in a pile...
The Sage handed me a long piece of wood--sort of the shape of a walking stick, but more like a branch. I hugged it, and then realized the shape of the end of the stick was the form of a wolf puppy.
But she was not breathing.
She was lifeless--
I realized her head was separated from her body.
So I took a piece of thin but beautiful bark, and made a collar out of it, which provided the possibility of attaching her body to her head. It worked.
She slowly roused, unsteady on her feet...
Wild..
Weak...
Confident...

I thought briefly that I wanted her to stay with me...

But the Sage said, "She needs to be free...to roam..and be her wolf-self"

So, I took her outside...and it was in a neighborhood sort of suburban rural...lots of trees, but homes, too.

The wolf puppy still seemed a little disoriented...and was slowly moving through the woods.
I was worried for her safety in this populated area..but the Sage assured me she would be free and wild.

A boy--about 10--came out and started to throw rocks at the wolf puppy...and I ran over to him and told him (ok I yelled at him with all the power I had) to go back inside of his house and that he needed to respect all that is wild and Nature and woods.

He went home.

I turned around,
And the wolf puppy was trotting away...and she turned around for just a few seconds to look at me in the eyes...
As if to say "I am wild. And free. And I will be fine."

And then I awoke, and I felt like I was being held in the arms of the ocean, as the boat (ship) rocked ever so gently in the moments before the sun began to rise.

P.S. What this has to do with the title of the post? I have no idea, but I suspect nothing and everything.

Take five and just sing and dance with me on this...

2011-03-08T05:34:00.000-08:00

Stand by Me from theRedPillRadio on Vimeo.

RevGals Friday Five "Love is in the Air" Edition

2011-02-11T06:02:00.000-08:00

Over at RevGals, Singing Owl is celebrating 40 years of love with her husband. She asks us to reflect on five people we will always love. (I would have cut and pasted this, but I am working on my Beloved's Mac, and I don't know how to do this --yet---anyway, and I am too lazy to figure it out.)

So...the loves of my life.....

1. My Beloved spouse. What more can I say? We share laughter, respect, love and care of our furry family, more love and and joy everyday than I thought possible. When we disagree or misunderstand or argue, neither of us can let the sun go down on it. We are very different people, and yet we complement.
Yin and yang, yet our partnership is real. I am so grateful. I never believed I would find "my person"...and yet...by the sheer grace of God.

2. The furry friends, alive and over the rainbow bridge. They make my heart expand, daily.

2.5 My family. Of course. With four sisters, a sister in law, two sets of parents.....I love adulthood, and being able to love them where they are and for who they are....I really get how important family is. No matter how far apart we are.

3. Mrs. Platts. My fifth grade teacher. She is no longer of this world, but she had so much love in her heart for her students...and she saw each student individually. She loved a very shy, unremarkable 10 year old into believing she had a little bit of worth to someone. Although I don't think she was particularly religious, she was the first real and deep Christ to me. Her presence and being was transforming for me.

4. All of my sister friends--and I am blessed to have many--from high school, college, seminary, teaching, time in NC and New England....in RevGals...my pottery Friday friends....dang. So. Blessed.

4.5 a special shout out to my sister friend, Yeong Mee-ssi (ssi is sister in Korean). She was my Hebrew tutor in seminary, and from that we formed a life long friendship. She fell in love with my puppy Daisy, and got her a sister named Tikvah. Yeong Mee and I would walk Daisy and Tikky in Riverside Park in NYC every morning, and then pick up a bagel and two coffees at the sidewalk vendor and have breakfast together. I have edited her papers, she got me through my thesis and all those damn references...in spite of very different backgrounds, cultures, life paths, she is my forever sister. I am so glad that she has a sabbatical this summer from her professorship in Korea so that she will come and stay a month in Boston!!!

5. Dr. Janet Walton at Union in NYC. She taught me about possibility in worship, about improvisation in ministry, how to cling dearly to art and beauty and fear in ministry, encouraged me to slip in one subversive feminist progressive piece in worship, to challenge all the senses....She has no idea how her teaching influenced me. She taught me about questions. Thank you, Janet!

5.5 My mentors and counselors my first years of youth ministry and teaching in Florida when I was in my early twenties--Danna, Les, Marilyn, Barbara. You all helped me individuate, to grow up, to deal with my dragons and demons, and showed me how to choose Life. Sigh.

What blessings of love my life has been showered upon.
Thank you, Holy One.
Amen.

criss cross applesauce, 1, 2, 3, 4.....

2011-02-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

these are the words outside in the hallway,
on the other side of my door.
tiny children--pre-school....
sitting on the floor, crossing their legs,
after they have gone to the bathroom,
and are waiting for the rest of the class to finish taking turns.
after all are peed out,
they count off....
"leo, we can't go until you remember your number"
the teacher gently reminds.
leo remembers.
and off they go,
next door,
to sit next to their crayons, and then commence coloring
something.

i sit,
here at my desk,
listening to the bustle...
making a list,
crossing off what has been finished,
adding what i recently said i would do,
thinking, loosely about my sermon for the weekend,
i pause.

i breathed on my way to the office today.
i mean, i had to get here extra early, and i have to drive through boston traffic
which is loaded during rush hour
i had plenty of time
and i took a sip of gorgeous tasting coffee
and thought,
i wish i could take more time
to sit at a coffee shop, and look out the window,
look at the people,
muse,
pray,
breathe....

and then i realized my car could be my coffee shop,
so i relaxed into the slow ride,
sipping my lovely coffee,
looking out my windows, watching the cars crawl with me,
and my mind wandered to what i need to do,
and then i said to myself,
just breathe.
deep cleansing breaths.
in with love,
out with peace,
in with heart,
out with mercy,
more deep cleansing breaths...

it was a nice quiet break.
thank You.
amen

sometimes, things are just weird.

2011-02-08T05:56:00.000-08:00

I found out yesterday that a church that I thought would be a perfect fit for my gifts and skills for ministry called a very young person right out of seminary.
WHAT???

This person is an extremely lovely person, don't get me wrong, and I am very happy for this person....

But still, WHAT???

God works in mysterious ways.
Hope there is some mysterious working my way, soon.
Amen.

Just checking in...

2011-02-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

So, the retreat was the best ever.
They are such a happy group, and really treat themselves well, and want a lot of time to talk and catch up.
So, for instance, when we are supposed to start on Friday night, at 7:00, at 7:15 I invite them to make their way from the dining room to our meeting room in their own time. A little after 7:30, we start.
For the first part of the evening, we did an icebreaker with two boxes of Table Topics. You are supposed to pick a card from this cube, and answer it. I thought they should pick two cards and then choose the question they liked the best. Of course, some people had to take 15 cards just to find a question they liked. The second part of the evening I talked some about the concept of blessing, and then I had invited them to bring one word to the retreat to use as a blessing word. They wrote their words on note cards, and then we built an altar space with them. Lovely.

The next morning we did talk about being originally blessed, being in the image of God, and shining the god spark within (we talked about the Kabbala teaching on the divine spark the night before. They broke into small groups and had questions to talk about, and then the second hour and a half we made blessing bowls. Coolest idea ever--I knew I wanted them to make these bowls, but was struggling with the medium. I wanted to do recycled materials, but the first bowls I made from that were not all that attractive.

So then, I bought some plain ceramic rice bowls, and asked everyone to bring tissue paper, beautiful paper, and perhaps quotes or blessings they might want to adhere without decoupage to their bowls. It was a fantastic project--one woman made it for her new baby granddaughter for a blessing, etc. I will post some pix on fb later. Then--I had cut up some heavy scrap booking paper--beautiful on one side, and blank on the other--smaller than business cards, and had everyone write their word 35 times. SO then, everybody had a set of the words that
were brought to the retreat! They can put them in their bowls, or somewhere else.

We had another small group after lunch, and then closing worship.

Anyway, it was great, and now today I am having a bed party.
:-)
Love you!

There's more, but the spirit of the group this year was extra magical.

just for the sake of writing

2011-02-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

and getting some words out of me.
random words.

this crisis in Egypt. I have read a lot about it. I don't really get it, but I do get that people are hungry and want a better life--a huge gap between rich and poor. I know there is more to it. still confused. but pray about it.

am horrified by the mom in tampa that killed her teenagers.

am horrified by the mom in alaska who punished her child with hot sauce and cold showers. I know parenting is extremely difficult--and parenting adopted children has its own set of extreme challenges.
but forcing a child to drink hot sauce and then put him in a icy shower--for lying? this I cannot fathom as a good idea for discipline. I just can't. sorry.

my little cooper dog (who is not so little any more) is the cutest ever. she howls at fire engines, ambulances, and police cars.

am pretty sure Mitt Romney will run for President. even though he is being cagey about it. why else would you go on the View?

it's really, really, really snowing outside.
sort of tired of shoveling.

had a very. fun. weekend. in. NYC. we just walked, ate, shopped (just a tiny bit), and found some great places with craft beer. I love NYC. adore it.

hey! I gotta Kindle! I am pretty much gadget-ed maxed out. iPad, iPhone, and Kindle. LUV the Kindle. so frickin' cool!

I haven't been to the studio for a couple of weeks. I miss my clay.

planning our women's retreat for the weekend. the them is Blessing: Giving, Receiving, and Being.
got any good ideas for me?

I love reading blogs. I love your blogs.

well, guess, I will go and work some more.

see ya!

sunday morning....unsettlement

2011-01-16T05:29:00.000-08:00

it's funny this morning,
as I quietly get ready for the day...
how...
well, how wistful I feel.

I am so ready to be in a church as a lead pastor...
it feels so overdue, and yet I know that my ministry continues to thrive where I am....

I will love on people today,
They will share love with me...
Someone might get irritated with me,
The children will make me laugh and cry all at once....
I will worry how long the service goes, and be sad that I have to leave right afterwards, missing coffee and the forum with a pastor from Uganda working against the violence against the LGBT community...

but my sadness will be shortlived as I walk into another beloved community and share my learnings about Godly Play with a group of parents,
and I will be touched with wonder as I tell them the parable of The Good Shepherd...

but right now, I feel wistful. I feel like I have one foot in, and one foot reaching for the door...

but the door doesn't exist right now.

I can only trust you, Holy One.
Bring me fully to You this morning...
And to where and how you have called me to be
exactly in my reality.

Help me live it fully, for your sake, for your Love and not my ego.

Breathing in, I breathe in You...
Breathing out, I release myself to the moment.
Amen.

a Saturday morning....

2011-01-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

I love being the only one up and about in the house...

This happens a lot on the weekends, when my beloved takes advantage of sleeping in. All the doggies and a couple of cats nestle in with her--it's a pile of pillows and little snores from the poodles and warm and dozy looking.

And I am upstairs in the attic, sipping coffee, working on whatever it is I am working on for Sunday. It's very settling. It's not a different rhythmn than other mornings--I often am at my computer around this time of day. It's the energy, I suppose. It is grounding and lazy and productive, all at once.

We celebrated eight years together this week. Well, I had to work, so we didn't really get to celebrate. I got her a new computer--a Macbook Air. So exciting even though it's not all that romantic. However, the Apple products are so beautiful in design, I think. Later this morning we will head to the apple store for a first lesson, since we haven't had a Mac before.

That being said, I ought to be writing my sermon. I just needed to write a little bit of nothing to get myself warmed up.

Holy One...
Thank you for this morning,
for the dust of snow on the sidewalk,
the sleeping curled up beings in my home,
for love that abides,
for steaming mugs of coffee...
I pray for your heart to break into the process of my writing,
so that what I speak tomorrow might be
something of Good News
to someone who is listening
tomorrow...
amen.

getting stuff done. well, sort of.

2011-01-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

receipts turned in, including plane ticket to BE 4. done.
rest of receipts...ahhh, another day.
plans for Saturday night retreat? done.
emails about the details? done.
emails about other stuff? some.
organize email inbox? that will take...two weeks, I think. yew. maybe tomorrow.

write sermon? does thinking about it count?
refraining from mindless virtual window shoe shopping and book drooling? mmmm. not so much.

work out today? YES.
walk the dogs? YES
clean the kitchen and make my lunch? YES
kiss the dogs? of course!
find a flea on a dog? yew, icky, yes.

plan women's retreat for first week in February? again, does thinking about it count?
read my daily bible passages life-journal-one version thingy on my iphone? not yet.

breathe? sort of.
renew? trying.
discern? listening, at least...
wondering? all. the. time.

this is the day that God has made....I will wrap it around me and live it.
thanks be to God.
amen.

Wednesday....

2011-01-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

Seems that I know alot of people who have re-committed to their writing this year.

I don't know if I have committed--and I don't really write, well, to be read (although I am happy all three of you do ;-) )--I am not really trying to start a conversation or a debate...well, except maybe with myself, and God....

When I first started blogging, at EarthenSoul, I was trying to put into words the amazing experiences of God I had while creating with clay. I was learning so much, insights abided, and I wanted to savor the thoughts.

Now, I just write...to try and get something out of me. To remember that I am in conversation with God, to know God's presence...and I get that from writing...sometimes. I just feel like I need to check in with myself--you know?

I don't have a lot of words these days, so it isn't easy for me to sit here and type away about not having words. On FaceBook, it's worse--I love FaceBook---I love reading what all of my friends are doing, thinking...the wit! the pithiness! the humour! the irony! the perfectly worded phrases! Me? I search for something not too stupid, too revealing, something light and fun and not too self-centered.

Sometimes, I feel like I am empty headed (is that the same as an air head?)....I search in my brain for the Word, or Thought....
and all I can find or hear is that sound--
that sound of being underwater--do you know that sound?

Maybe I am hibernating a little bit. Tis the season, I know.

I am wondering, though when the words will return. How they will return.
Amen.

Discern. Renew. Wonder.

2011-01-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

2011.
A New Decade.

What shall I do with this wild and precious life (ala Mary Oliver) this beginning of decade, year....

2011 is a year of inevitable change for me. Things will be shifting, somehow in the congregation where I am the associate pastor.   We are in a discernment process. The bottom line is that we are staff heavy...and not really able to meet the budget. So change is inevitable....we all know this. The whole staff. Which is fine. However...I really want to be present to the discernment process--to be faithful, to hold up God's light in the conversations over budget and cuts and shifting priorities...I want to help my beautiful community to remember Whose we are and the message we have of Good New. To. All.

So, this enters into my own discernment process.   I really want to listen to where God is leading me...not just with this congregation...but what my future is as a pastor. I have been ordained 10 years...and have had some really wonderful experiences in ordained ministry--serving as the first (well, and only) installed associate pastor with a great church nestled on a college campus near Asheville, NC.   I learned so much from them...and they allowed me to create and change things up even when they weren't sure....I loved the college kids...and the ministry we had with women who were homeless...and the day to day of parish ministry. It was was wonderful....

After that, I was led to full time college chaplaincy...and although the setting wasn't the best for my theological leanings, I loved relational ministry with students. We had tragedies and celebrations...and my being there led me to have the opportunity to serve part-time at (then) a new church start.   I loved that community of faithful and doubtfuls....wanting to find a spiritual community where all were welcome, where the journey was home, where church was different. Out of the ordinary, but yet, ordinarily so.

This move to New Englad has afforded other opportunities, and in this church I serve. Again, I have learned so much....and I adore--yes truly--adore this congregation.   Who knows what will happen?   There are several staff configurations that could happen...and it doesn't necessarily mean that I will have to go, period.
But in this discernment process, I know that I want to be a full time pastor...with more opportunities in worship and even more shared leadership.  Maybe that isn't what God has in store. I don't know....but I also need to renew, I think...my passion for ministry (while strong, I think it could use some refining and clarity). Much to ponder.

Renewing to me means reflecting, and highlighting all that is important and meaningful...to be clear in my vision and dreams for ministry with a congregation....and how God is calling forth my gifts to be of service...

And all the while, leaving room for Wonder.   Wonder and Marvel...at the way the Spirit moves......
in my life, in the life of this congregation, in my colleagues' lives......

Pay It Forward

2010-12-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

My friend Terri is participating in a handmade gift in a "pay it forward" project. She then is paying it forward by sending something handmade to three blogging friends. I am the first on the list!!

But I am not going to wait for Terri's gift (she said it will take 365 days).....So now I'm going to pay it forward. I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on this post requesting to join this Pay It Forward exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days; that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog. Are you game? I hope so!!!

lost ornaments...

2010-12-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

So, this weekend we got a fresh tree and pulled out all of our Christmas stuff, and began decorating.

We haven't done this since the move to Boston.

This year, though, I just needed a tree. I needed to have our home festive. I needed the presence of extra lights and memories and love....

I put the pipe cleaner elves on the potbelly stove-pipe--the ones I made with my 6th grade homeroom when I was teaching...I hung white lights from the porch outside and stuffed red eucalyptis in the tree. What fragrance!

Beloved has a boatload of ornaments...her mother was totally into Christmas and showered her children with ornaments from around the world. Some of them are probably 50 years old--very retro. It was a blast marveling at them.

In my family, we didn't have special ornaments. --we usually hung lights and tinsel and those shiny balls. The only ornaments from my childhood that had meaning for me were a little shrinky dink bird and a personalized brass piano--both gifts from my piano teacher.

I looked forward to discovering them and placing on the tree. Happily, I hung my meager collection from my 20s and 30s--gifts from children and friends, some of my own choosing....just waiting to find those two oldest ornaments from my childhood....

They didn't turn up. At. All. I loved remembering them, but some how they didn't make it to Boston. Honestly, maybe they didn't even make it out of Florida, where I lived before seminary.

I felt a pang of sadness...they were gone...
And yet, the pang passed as I realized I didn't need the object...
the memory of their "specialness" had lingered...
and now, every year when I decorate, I will think of those ornaments, gifted to me as a child,
treasures, really,
when ever I place ANY ornament on the tree.

That's the thing with gifts, isn't it?
It's not the actual gift, the physical thing...
but the love and goodness that come with them that is everlasting.
Forever more and evermore.

Doggess of Love: Venus

2010-11-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I ever saw you...
Your picture was on-line...your smile and your coloring were exactly like my sheltie mix I had as a child.
I went to the shelter to meet you, and in the midst of loudness of dogs barking and crying, you came over and put your paw on my knee. You were so sweet and laid back...I wanted to take you home then, but I didn't want to make a rash decision, even though I know your time was limited.

So, I went back the next day and sprung you from the shelter...

My Daisy wasn't exactly thrilled, and frankly, you STANKED so BAD!!
I briefly considered finding you another forever home--only briefly though. I decided Daisy just had to get over herself because you were, frankly a big furball of Love. Hence your name, Venus. Goddess of Love...
or, Doggess of Love.

You were such a quiet dog, until my friend from Florida taught you to bark and play...and from that day, you never really stopped barking.

You loved western North Carolina, where you would bust out of the screen door if you smelled a squirrel in the forest. You would wander the trail barking and herding squirrels. When we would go for a hike or a run, you always would get lost in the woods chasing squirrels, ignoring my calls to come back. Oftern, you brought yourself home when you were tired, or other times, someone from campus would find you, know that you were Venus, and bring you home.

Remember how you would take a running jump to scramble on the bed?
Oh yes, and how you would get so close in my face and breathe that it felt like you were trying to suck out my essence.

When we moved to the city, you were very polite to my guests. Remember the time we had a krispy kreme donut party, and my guest was holding a glass of milk and not looking at it, and you took the opportunity to poke your snout into the glass and have a sip?

Speaking of snout, remember how I discovered it was YOU that broke open and consumed the bag of pita chips that I had left in the shopping bag on the floor? Salty smelling snout and of course, the gallons of water you drank for a couple of days. I loved kissing the top of your long snout. So soft.

You were the best running dog, remember? You loved to go jogging, especially at the nature park. Of course, sometimes we would give in and let you off leash. Sometimes you would get lost and wait at the end of the trail, like this:

But then there was that time that you decided to go home with another family. We searched and searched for you for over an hour, until we saw this guy putting up signs about a lost dog, with YOUR PICTURE on it. Yep. You were sitting in his truck, just happy as could be. We had a hard time getting over that, you Dog of Love.

Oh, yes, and then there was that time here in Boston when I let you off leash on the greenway, and you got caught in brambles, and then I kept calling you and calling you, and you never came. Someone at the boatyard said they saw you running towards Riverside street, so I took off, and there you were, waiting on the porch. I am glad that you knew the way home, but dang, you could have been HIT.BY. A. CAR!!!

You loved to herd and be the boss. Remember, staying over at Ali and Kim's, and Kenna and Bryan's? Umm yes, you tried to herd the rottweilers and pitbulls until they sat on you. Still didn't shut you up! All your bossy barking...even at the park last spring when everyone wanted to play,and you could barely walk, but you still would try to command some order. .

You were such a great sport. In fact, you loved sports--especially Manny Ramirez when he played for the Red Sox. Any time there was a hit, you would bark in celebration.

You also loved your walks in the neighborhood here in Boston. You especially loved the Sunday Night walks, which I dubbed the Gauntlet walk, because it was the night before trash pickup and every body's trash barrels were out, full of chicken bones, food scraps, mold....you thought it was the Heaven Walk. Remember that Sunday night when I didn't take you, and you decided to take yourself since the gate was open. You trotted three blocks down the busiest street in Medford, taking in the glorious piles of trash, until some kind teen-age girls saw you--and knew definitely by your size you were NOT a stray. They found someone who recognized you, a neighbor a street over, who brought you home. WE didn't even know you were gone--but you were quite proud of yourself.

You loved holidays--of course Thanksgiving was your favorite (all that TURKEY!!) but Halloween wasn't bad, either.

Oh sweet Venus, Ni-Ni, Italian Border Collie ("A new breed this year in the AKC. Especially known for their portly figure, this breed is marked by a penchant for floor surfing, herding poodles, eating anything and everything except for lettuce and carrots, and of course, a BIG smile" is what we would say about you...), Havolina-Ni-na, dear dog of Love, our Venus. We miss you already, so, so much. 16 years is a long time, indeed....and my life, and our family's life is forever changed by your big heart of LOVE.

Rest in peace, dear one. Rest and run free.

Class Reunion

2010-11-16T07:34:00.000-08:00

Surely not.
Surely not.
It's my 30th HIGH SCHOOL REUNION this summer.
What? Wasn't high school just like, umm, 10 years ago?

It's been very interesting watching the plans for this reunion unfold with the help of facebook and email. (I should add that I have never once been to a high school class reunion. Not that I hated high school, but I just never really wanted to spend my precious summer vacation visiting with people I haven't seen in a million, errr, 10-20-30 years...).

This weekend, the planners sent out a list of everyone in the class, and their emails/phone numbers/addresses. Two of our class have died since 1981. And there are a healthy handful of those whom there is no information--yet.

I trolled through the list, trying to remember the faces of the names...wondering about those whom I had no clue...thinking of them, their families, their children, their lives....all grown up now.

Wow.
30 years?
Surely...wow.

Care...

2010-11-07T04:57:00.000-08:00

First,
Thank you for your love and prayers.
RevGirls and friends just ROCK.

When I go into a tailspin, I tend to spin in, you know? Hunker down, curl up, whatever. So...

Thursday, I had a little bed party. It was the perfect day for it because it rained and rained...and what is better than a whole season of Weeds to catch up (or whatever you haven't watched for a long time for mindless t.v.), a little knitting project, intermittent naps, and at least four dogs and a various cat or two joining you in your little bed pity party.

Friday, it was time to GET. OVER. MYSELF. Knowing, that yes, having my feelings is important...but not to let them hold me hostage. (Goodness, I think I actually learned something from all those years of therapy!) So I hauled my ass out of bed, and dragged it to the pottery studio and my Friday Friends, who were supportive and loving, and I got to make stuff. Lovely. Then, home to walk dogs, clean house, and join my beloved at a function for her work--even though I didn't feel like it, I did it. Oh, and yes, I made an appointment to see my mental health specialist on Monday.

Saturday was a family day. I still was checked out of work, which was good. A little mini-leave of absence is good.

Thing is, I know all these things happen for a reason, and that ultimately I will receive a welcome, and not all rejection. I am a little scared that might not happen..but all I can do is trust. And know that I am called, and the Mystery and wisdom of God will prevail. Or, at least, I have--with faith, with friends, with family--what it takes to get through it.

amen, amen, and amen.
(but, hey God, still not done ranting.........)

Ranting and yelling

2010-11-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

So,
I have experienced some rejection this week. Some, I didn't really care about, and the other, well, put me in a tailspin. Didn't see it coming in the way that it did, although the "no news" was indeed beginning to look like bad news.

My friend, who knows and has lived this to the core, says "let go, let God". She doesn't say it glibly and it doesn't roll off her tongue...she lives it authentically.

However, last night, I just had to have it out with the Great I Am. And I did. Yes I did.
I screamed out a lot of frustrated, hurting, angry, confused words...with a whole lot of profanity laced throughout. And in a way, that was letting go....and letting God.

God...
I am letting go of all of this to you...
And I might have some more letting go to do before I can fully rest in You...
But I will say this,
I'm glad that you welcome storming your gates...
Because there are still a few more storms in me.
Amen.

trusting in God is hard.

2010-11-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

When all is silent,
the future incredibly uncertain,
when one is waiting
for what is to be,
hoping that what is to be is nearer
rather than more distant,
grasping hope,
breathing,
anchoring,
lurching toward strength
when one feels weak,
beholden,
not the one who navigates,
at all....
then,
trusting God is hard.
but really, all there is Trust.
and Hope.

right?

wasteful.

2010-10-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

o.k.,
I will admit it.
I have completely wasted the better part of this morning of my day off.
I am feeling sluggish and uninteresting and fat (due to the fact of eating cold pizza and coffee for breakfast). I woke up when my beloved left for work, early, and then laid in bed and watched morning t.v.--while playing with doggies, kitties, napping, reading facebook, napping, with a quick jaunt outside to get the recycling out. Finally at 11, I forced myself fully vertical,
and upstairs to my office to repair my harp to take over to Cambridge so a grad student can play it for a few weeks.
Instead, I sat down and started reading blogs, which is, imho, catching up with friends...
but is also fairly passive.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely full (but whose aren't, really?)...I am just kind of in that momentary sluggy spot.

So, after I post this,
I really am going to take care of that harp,
really.

Fair Week

2010-10-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

So it's our Fall Fair week...and it's my favorite week of the program year. The people who sort for the gigantic flea market prepare lunch everyday--someone brings a homemade pot of soup or chili, and we all sit down and gab at lunch. The book sale people fill up the sanctuary with books, and people have been baking apple and plum pies to sell, and in short, the church is full of her people all week long, and I get to hang out with them as much as I want.

I love it. Love, love, love it.

But I need to work on my sermon now....and since we are having a fire drill on Sunday for safe church, plus an extended moment for mission, I have about four minutes to preach on the lectionary. How the heck can I do that?

just more stuff...

2010-10-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

So,
the flag discussion went well. There were feelings about the aesthetics of the building being compromised, others thought it was so pretty, everyone believed in the message. Some people didn't even NOTICE it!!! For some, a flag, any flag has so much power...and to hang just one, and not the UCC flag, or the state flag, or the American flag felt, well, wrong....I am not a big flag person in that way, so I just have to respect the sentiment.
Anyway, they decided to send the issue back to the facilities commission to find a way to hang it differently so that it didn't mess up the aesthetics....maybe a flag pole or something. Until then, it will stay where it is, and when it moves, it will be more visible.

I am so glad for this...because the current climate of homophobia has expanded, with DADT, with gay teen suicides, and abuse...I want our congregation to show that we are not only welcoming, but a safe sanctuary full of love and hope.

This weekend (Saturday and Sunday, one night) three of us are taking some of our youth to Monhegan Island, Maine. We will spend the night in....(Clyde? somewhere close to the dock)...and then hire the mailboat to take us over in the morning to the island to explore. In Sunday School they have been talking about sacred places and altars and one of the teachers talked about Monhegan. So, the kids wanted to go and see it. So...off we go! It will be brisk (hah, read COLD) but fun.

So, nothing really important...just trying to write--whatever these days.
I will get back to deeper things...
Just for now, I am being present to my moment.

Holy One...
Singing in the cool wind,
Humming in the traffic out my window,
Whispering in the quiet of my office...
you are here.
Thanks be to God.
Amen.

whoooofffff

2010-10-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

Can't believe I haven't checked in since September...
Lot's of unbloggable but good stuff going on...
plus, dang, it has been busy around here, more than normal.

I really hate it when people say they are soooooo busy, so I guess I should delete that.   Mostly, I don't like it when you ask someone how they are doing, and they say, "busy". Aren't we all busy?

Maybe I am just cranky because I have had this horrible headache all day that advil hasn't touched.

Back to checking in. I am having a great fall---made even better by vacation last week!!! Three days of unstructured time to get stuff around the house done plus read and make pottery. Then Thursday-Sunday we took a little trip to Rehoboth Beach Delaware which was so great. Ahhhh, the skies were blue, the ocean gorgeous, the Dogfish Brewpub delicious!!! Oh, and there was a Greyhound Rescue convention, and there were tons and tons and tons of Greyhounds walking their people oh so elegantly and quietly. Heaven--so many doggies! If we didn't currently have five canines.........

I read a couple of books---one by Jon Katz, who writes books about his dogs, and sheepherding. "Dogs of Bedlam Farm."   I enjoyed it, because, oh, I love dogs. He's a decent storyteller, but when he is being profound, he isn't so...profound. But still, good.   I also read The Bible Salesman by Clyde Edgerton (spelling?). It was over before it really got started. A little dissappointing, imho, however, entertaining in its own way.   I did NO PROFESSIONAL READING WHATSOEVER.

So, today, my first day back....lots of emails, little fires, whatnot. Council meeting tonight, where I will talk about why I hung a rainbow flag from the portals of our church.   I guess we have a policy about no flags, but no one was around this summer to ask, so I just did it...and...well, you know.   I thought it would be a great "marketing" tool--Straight people look for GLBT friendly churches, too...and a flag is a pretty obvious invite to extravagant welcome.   Should be interesting!!

Well, that's it for now. Just a quick note so my blog doesn't disappear!!!

The Program Year Has begun

2010-09-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

So...last weekend was our big Regathering weekend...choir rehearsal, Ice Cream Social, teacher orientation, first day of Sunday school, oh and worship. Everything seemed to go well and I was really excited for the great turnout for ss and worship. It was great having everyone back...and it was the first day that my colleague was back from his summer sabbatical.

I know he is glad to be back, too... I will miss preaching every week, though. I won't be scheduled again till late October.

I'm taking the morning easy...acquainting myself with my new iPad, (birthday gift), cooking, walking dogs, etc. I will go to the office around 1:00 since we have council tonight. Once I go to the office I like to stay over there (it's a 30 minute traffic filled commute. I can get email and stuff done at home in the morning.

Today I am thinking about the future of this ministry profession...and if the church can transition into being Christian in a post-Christian era. I've been reading lots of Tony Robinson lately.

What are you thinking about?

feeling the love this morning....

2010-09-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

Just a couple of thoughts swirling around my head with no point....

My congregation was very sweet this weekend--they surprised me with a tribute to my ordination anniversary...and a darling birthday card and birthday cake and present! It was very moving and touching. Of course I cried...and not so easy to get up and preach with sniffly nose and red eyes. But, pulled it all together.

I had delicious pizza on Sunday night--it was a flatbread pizza with butternut squash sauce topped with blue cheese and carmelized onions. I guess for some it wouldn't be pizza, but I loved it.

Yesterday was a crazy kind of day. Just lots of stuff to get done this week after procrastinating all summer. (My bad). When I got home, I just felt anxious and restless and we tried to watch a movie but I couldn't get hooked...so I crawled into bed at 8, with a book, and read a few pages, and went to sleep. This morning, all is good. I guess sometimes we just get like that. Am glad that my beloved can be understanding and gentle when I get into that place, which isn't all that often.

This morning, in fact, I just feel Love. Coursing through my heart and my blood and my bones. Love. God-with-me Love. And...I am grateful.
Help be be that Love today.
Amen.

Friday Five

2010-09-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

Over at RevGals, Martha is pondering storms and Hurricane Earl. Thus the following questions!

1) What's the most common kind of storm in your neck of the woods?

I guess nor'easters, snowstorms, and hurricanes

2) When was the last time you dealt with a significant power outage?

When I lived in Raleigh, there was this huge ice storm that pretty much debilitated the entire triangle. It was winter, and cold. I lost power for three or four days, but some people were out for over 2 weeks.

3) Are you prepared for the next one?
If it happens tonight, ummmmm, not so much. But, I do have a flashlight, candles, and a bottle of wine!

4) What's the weather forecast where you are this weekend?
Hurricane Earl will visit me on his way up to Martha's in Maine!

5) How do you calm your personal storms?Usually by talking to someone who can listen, asking for help, asking for hugs, praying, singing, and breathing.

still balancing...

2010-09-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am still yoga-ing...been at it for three weeks, and have managed three times/week (unlimited card for this month). Still working on the balance, which is slightly better, but still I tippy toppy and fall, a lot.

Did you know that September is National Yoga Month?

So, in class, we will be exploring our chakras through different asanas. Today was the root chakra, the color red. To strengthen this chakra, is to work on balance--being rooted and grounded. The primary issues with this chakra are survival and fear.

Huh. Survival and fear do twine through my life at times, and I think at this time, no differently. I am looking at a situation in my ministry where all the writing on the wall points to me making a move before next spring and budget issues are faced with reality. On the other hand, I can't imagine, sometimes, being somewhere else, let alone moving to a different community. (Most open positions right now have parsonages attached). Obviously, we won't leave the Boston area, because Beloved still needs to be able to commute. But then, this hinders the radius of searching. I'm not feeling all that confident, because truly, this all comes down to a God thing, and I trust and fear, all at the same time. I have no control. But with time feeling like it's getting shorter, well, the breath gets a little shorter, and my balance a little off, and I search for control, although I know that it is more productive to give it over, breathe into the uncertainty, and breath out, reaching out to God, to crawl into her hands, and hold me.

Tomorrow, I celebrate my 10th anniversary of ordination. What an amazing day that was---I can't really describe it. All of my parents came from North Dakota to North Carolina, two of my sisters--one from California and one from Colorado made the journey, and friends from seminary and Florida all came. We shared dinner together on Friday, went hiking on Saturday morning, played all afternoon, had dinner again on Saturday night...all of my friends loved one another. Even though they were all so different! The ordination was during worship (which I had to finagle a little), but we had african inspired drumming for the processional, lots of feminist prayers and tears and laughter. The affirmation of my call to ministry from my friends and family, and new church community was overwhelming and tender.

Remembering that day offers me some inner balance. Remembering that day reminds me that I am called, and born to do this work of ministry, and God will lead me through these next months, no matter what happens. And perhaps, in all of this, I will indeed grow grounded enough to balance on one leg, and even fly.

Amen.

RevGalFridayFive....Back to College!

2010-08-27T06:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't played FF in a gagillion weeks...but here I am today!
Martha writes over at RevGals,

Yesterday I returned my middle child for his second year of college. He's an experienced dorm resident, having spent two years at a boarding high school. In the lounge at the end of his floor I found a suite of This End Up furniture that took me back to my years in the Theta house at William and Mary. I remember polishing that furniture with my sorority sisters every spring, just before we headed off for Beach Week at Nags Head.

Mindful that many others are heading off to further schooling or delivering their loved ones to the institutions that provide it, here are five questions about dorm life.

1) What was the hardest thing to leave behind when you went away to school for the first time? Well, I had a car wreck a couple weeks before I was to leave for school, so I had to leave my car behind. Other than that, I think I had everything I wanted or needed!

2) We live in the era of helicopter parents. How much fuss did your parents make when you first left home? The year, 1981. My dad was busy with harvest, my step-dad busy with harvest, my mom wasn't all that empowered yet, and so my youth director offered to take me. Basically, no fuss whatsoever. I was the first in my family also to leave the state for school, but as I remember, I was pretty independent, too.

3) Share a favorite memory of living with schoolmates, whether in a dorm or other shared housing. Wow. So many. My first year, I shared a "townhouse" with one bathroom and seven first year women. It was crowded, but really fun. Then, the second year we finagled renting a house from a professor on sabbatical. I remember many a night we would pop in Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" work out tape, complete in our leotards and legwarmers. Oh, and boxes of wine in the fridge! I then transferred to another school, and made friends with an amazing woman, who would be my roomie, who taught me all about social justice, sojourners, keeping neat, and we shared a love of deep dish chicago pizza and fast scrabble.

4) What absolute necessity of college life in your day would seem hilariously out-of-date now? An electric typewriter.

5) What innovation of today do you wish had been part of your life in college? Laptop computers, first year transition experience/classes, the internet, and netflix.

Bonus question for those whose college days feel like a long time ago: Share a rule or regulation that will seem funny now. Did you really follow it then? Both schools I attended were evangelical and conservative. One had a no playing cards rule, both had a no dancing rule, and of course, no one allowed alcohol on or off campus. I think they have both host dances now. Ummm. Did I follow the no drinking rule? Please. Just not on campus. ;-)

Thanks for stopping by!

Balance.

2010-08-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I started suffering from excruciating pain in my lower back--nothing like I have experienced before. In fact, I even went to the doctor. According to her, my disc is smooshed, and the best thing to do for it was gentle stretching, advil (although she gave me something for pain, and a muscle relaxer if I needed) and short walks during the day. All of that helped, although I didn't think it would.

It's still...a little achey sometimes, so I decided that since the stretches worked, and they were yoga stretches, that I should go to yoga classes.

It just happened that this month, a former colleague of my beloved opened her own yoga studio, Floga Yoga. So, went this week, on Tuesday, for the first time.

I was a little anxious. I asked Tiffany, the owner, "this will be a beginner class, right? "   She assured me all the classes were beginner, with some challenges.

Tiffany is a great teacher. She has her own style, and oh, did I mention, that during the class, during certain poses, she comes and massages your shoulder or your neck with a cooling oil? Pretty darn cool.

Well, that day, I was already the fat girl in the class, with three thirty something mommies that obviously were in fabulous shape. Plus, when have done yoga in the past, I slip all over the mat, so I wear these socks plus biking gloves on my hands (I am an extra sweaty person) so I can hold poses. So, now not only was I the fat girl in class, I was the nerdy fat girl with weird accessories who sweat all over the mat. I was drippin' while everyone looked lithe and limber.

So, one of the things that Tiffany likes to work on is balance. HAH! I can't stand on one foot to save my life...and I kept falling over.  I just kept cracking myself up, and then I was hoping I didn't distract anyone.

In spite of being self conscious, I had fun. The mommies were not judgemental (just me on my ownself).

I went back yesterday. Falling all over the place, sweating like a...I don't know what sweats more than me. I was still the fat nerdy girl with black socks on. Tiffany did some crazy poses...and one I just thought I couldn't do, but everyone else was trying, so I tried, three times...and the final time, I sort of managed. Everybody clapped.

Now I am the class mascot, too. OY!

But seriously, I have been thinking about balance, alot. I know that balance is about core strength, physically.  As a metaphor, I am thinking about my inner core strength, and balance, in my inner life. In my outer life, I think there is pretty good balance, but I think I have been ignoring the inner life somewhat.

So, balance is going to be something that I am going to work on....strength...
so I can stand on one foot, and be aware of the strength and balance within...
I offer this as my prayer today.
Amen.

Noticings

2010-08-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm working on "noticing" more, just for the noticing of it.
I've spent the past few days in a lot of traffic, going to and from work and to meetings and beyond....
Since the radio doesn't work in the car I typically drive, there is only time for my thoughts to wander to the outside world, outside my car door.
This is what I have noticed, in no particular order:

1. It feels better to just give in to Boston Drivers. Instead of letting their bad habits fuel my competitiveness, I have just decided to slow down (o.k., I am already going slow. Many people complain of my granny driving skills) and let who ever wants to cut in front me, do so. It feels good to wave people by. Many are surprised.
Especially the car behind me who honks impatiently ;-)

2. In Medford Square, I noticed two bikers cross each others path and share a smile of understanding and comradeship. I couldn't see the thought bubble above their heads, but I imagined it saying something like, "Yeah, look at us, the cool dudes, saving gas, getting exercise, and getting to work faster than the rest of these traffic losers" Well, they looked too nice to say losers, but you never can tell.

3. In Porter Square, I watched a pregnant woman cross the street with two children clinging to her hands. Each child, about five or so--they could have been twins, or friends, her kids or not,-- but each had a balloon tied to their wrist. The woman looked so happy, with a look that said, "all is right with the world." The children were adorable, proudly walking with their beautiful balloons, flapping in the wind.
Don't you remember the glory of a helium balloon when you were a kid?

4. I noticed a lot of faces in cars. Some looked so worn down; others were animated while talking on their cells. Some faces were creased with hard work or years, others sported shiny lipgloss and eyeshadow. All those people going places, going somewhere, with lives as full and generous and painful and important and loving and empty and vulnerable as the next person's.
So much life.
So fragile and precious.
It's no wonder it is God's good pleasure to give to us the kin-dom.
Look at how much we all need it, in spite of ourselves.

Amen.

walk of shame....

2010-08-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

...in the pharmacy, yesterday.
I am now officially labeled "high cholesterol" and must take a pill for it.

oh, I know it was inevitable. In spite of quitting pizza three months ago, and eating healthy and stuff.

it's in my genes,
both sides of my family.

but still...sigh. don't like it much!

Cancer.

2010-07-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

Currently,
There are two people I know that are living with cancer.
1. A colleague, who is expected to recover, but is going through some heavy, heavy duty chemo. Her reflections on being a cancer patient are thought provoking, raw, powerful.
Her blog is Holy Spirit Portality

2. A parishioner, who is not going to recover. She has battled this monster since before I knew her--maybe four and half years? She had a big bone in her leg removed, scads of chemo, had her leg amputated up to the pelvis, and was on chemo drug trials til this past June. She and her husband built an accessible house near family, which they moved to a month ago. She found out in June that the trials weren't working. basically, there is nothing they can do, and so she was referred to palliative care. She isn't sick enough for hospice. in fact, she is running the household now, caring for her children, unpacking boxes, walking the doggies. Her impending demise...and death is right in front of her all of the time. She doesn't blog, but her husband writes the most wrenchingly honest and soul baring posts on their CarePages website, which is an avenue for keeping up with friends and family. It sucks. Of course it does. Does she blame anyone? No. Not even God. Don't get me wrong, she thinks the whole thing sucks, too...she is no pollyanna. She is doing the best she can, in the way she knows how--which is pretty brilliantly, imho.

Both of these women are warriors. but in an amazonian goddess kind of way. I am in awe, more than I can tell you.

If I were struggling with cancer (which, in actuality, according to family history and my present state of health, struggle with heart disease before cancer) I could not be nearly as faithful, as thoughtful, as loving, as open, as real as these two women. They have allowed themselves to be peeled back, stripped of what is unnecessary to truly be...real, I guess that's the word I am looking for right now.

God. bless these woman-children of yours.
God. please. open me...to be real...to be stripped, to be honest, to know. You.

Jesus Freak...by Sara Miles

2010-07-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

I just finished "Jesus Freak" by Sara Miles
I really enjoyed "Take this Bread" which is the story of her conversion to Christianity. En nouche (or in a nutshell) just by wandering into a church to admire it's beauty, she began to observe the service, and when people were invited to the eucharist, she went up...and when she tasted the bread, she got it. Christianity was about feeding people. So she started or helped start, I can't remember which, a food pantry at this church, St. Gregory of Nyssa Episcopalian church in San Francisco.

"Jesus Freak" is a continuation of this story....she weaves in stories about Jesus, and her experiences with life feeding and caring for people.

I find myself a wistful after reading her words...she is truly the coolest Jesus Freak ever...and the hard work of working with poor people, homeless people, feeding them and loving them would, I think, make you get the gospel in such meaninful ways. I know I would love ministry like that, in the city....even though I know it is hard. I loved the women who homeless that stayed at the first church I served--every two months, they would be with us for a week, in a sort of traveling shelter, if you will....they were the richest weeks of my ministry.

My prayer today...is that I could find you, Jesus, waiting for me...tomorrow at worship...and everywhere I am called. And if you want to call me to urban ministry work...hey, I am down with that. But for now, I want to see you and be you more where I am right now. Make me a Jesus freak....
Open my eyes, that I might see....
Amen.

RevGalFridayFive....

2010-07-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't played in eons.
So here goes it:
Songbird writes:
Since I've been in the midst of a discernment process, I've done a lot of reflecting on how we make decisions. But don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to reveal a dark story about a poor decision, or a self-flagellating story about an embarrassing one. Let's keep it simple and go with five word pairs. Tell us which word in the pair appeals to you most, and after you've done all five, give us the reason why for one of them.
1) Cake or Pie
Pie.
2) Train or Airplane
Airplane--every time I ride a train, I see mice. yewwww.
3) Mac or PC
Mac-although I have a PC. I love Macs.
4) Univocal or Equivocal
I have to look up univocal, so I will go with equivocal
5) Peter or Paul
Can't there be another choice? Like...I dunno, Dorcas?

Oh, see, I am out of shape. I'm only supposed to give one reason for one of them. Hmm. Well. I chose pie because although I like cake a lot, you can have savory pies or sweet fruit pies. It's all about the crust for me.

...to whatever makes me love you more....

2010-07-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

To whatever makes me love YOU more...
your smiles...
your friendships...
your notes on my blogs and
your facebook comments...
your phone calls...
teas and coffees and books suggested...
meals shared. break broken, wine spilt...
oh,
and your words...
of being mamas and pastors and spouses and of
challenges...
broken wide hearts,
the tears that flow...
the irreverence...
the hilarity, the sublime, the depths...
all of these things
make me love you more...
and I am grateful...
for each of you.

thank you...for being blessing and challenge and love in my life.

oh my. so happy.

2010-07-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

too much to blog, because, oh, yes, I am out of practise!

Just want to make some notes...on...

doing my nephew's wedding. priceless.

acceptance of my family of my love and my life. more than priceless.

my sisters. I adore all of them.

my mom, and cal. oh. so precious to my heart.

my home, north dakota...the land....hurts my soul, I am so at home and grounded here....

my dad. his emotion. kills me.

my beloved. so open...so supportive...and completely adorable.

oh.

blissed.

and

blessed.

amen.

whazzup over here....

2010-06-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

mini cooper puppy is growing big. sometimes she is a Monstah Coopah, but mostly adorable.

the poodles do not in any way shape or form think she is adorable.

our neighbor, penny the pitbull mix adores mini cooper, but playtime has to be well supervised. have to make sure penny doesn't get beat up or anything.

venus, our lovebug sheltie/border collie mix, at 16, still wants to try to walk around the block even though she barely makes it....

monday I flyered part of the route where the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is having an 18 mile walk on the 26 of June. It is called "Out of the Darkness" and it is an all nighter.

I walked into a shop for brass fire place stuff and doorknobs and stuff in the North End...I began my spiel about being a volunteer for AFSP and he got a really funny look on his face, like, "what are you trying to sell me?" and I quickly said, "no, no, I am just giving you information, I am not trying to sell anything" and of course I read his face wrong. He got up and looked at me and told me that he lived upstairs with his wife, who is debilitated with MS and that everyday she asks him to help her die. And, that a close loved one committed suicide a year to the day I was standing in his shop. I asked him if he had support. My prayers are with him, and his wife and family.

We (my fellow volunteer) stopped to talk to some homeless people, to let them know what would be happening in week. One guy shared that he tried to kill himself a month ago, and they put him in a psych ward, and two weeks later released him on the street with zoloft. He thanked us for stopping to talk.

life is so achingly piercing sometimes, you know?

amazing grace...

2010-06-07T19:02:00.003-07:00

so...
we were having a sacred conversation on grace the other day.
I described grace is what pulls us towards Love.
how do you describe it?

empty head, full heart

2010-05-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

I stare at this computer screen...
With so much to say,
Without any words in which to say it....

I am listening to Lauren Bateman's debut album.
I really like her voice...the timbre of it is how I feel right now, but I can't capture that sound in words.

Scattered. Yes. Scattered.
Hopeful.
Wishful.
Wondering.
Curious.
Sad.
Touched in the very depths.
Just here.
Here. Working on 'being' but
here for now is good.

Amen.

spontaneous road trip...

2010-04-30T07:07:00.001-07:00

Yep.
Got the weekend off.
Packing up the mini cooper and driving like crazy to our favorite place in the world...or at least one of them.
Asheville. North Carolina.
Are we nutballs?
Yep.
But I miss my blue ridge mountains...
and can't wait to hug them again...
soon.
Whoo hoo!!!

can't believe it has been so long....

2010-04-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

...since I wrote a thing. Gotta fix that. However it sounds like a lot of my bloggy pals have had some sort of hiatus in blogging.

There is a lot of noise in my life right now--figuratively and literally (the sexton is vacuuming right outside my office door). So many things to think about and I am having a hard time LANDING so I can focus. The mission trip last week was amazing, but I am still tired from it. I could lay down right now and sleep for two hours. But I can't.

We had a clergy group meeting today. We talked about that article in the Christian Century about asking pastors they believe in God. We thought it wasn't a great question--probably a more important question is how is your relationship with God? Or...how is your faith? We talked about how we all have professional relationships with God, but what about the personal?

There are two new pastors in my group. Like, brand spanking new, right out of seminary, first call, just being ordained pastors. Just sayin'.

Guess I can't focus on this writing thing either.

Praying for my focus.
Amen.

Jonas Brothers at Saddleback on Easter....What say you?

2010-04-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

Interesting post on progressive Youth Ministry blog. What say you?
RETHINKING YOUTH MINISTRY: CULTURE WATCH: A Jonas Brothers Easter

Pajama party.....

2010-04-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

At the preschool today.
We share the same hallway and bathrooms. They are also having a Dance Party.
Too. Cute. I might have to join them. A little bunny slippered one is peeking around the corner watching me type. Melt. My. Heart.
Commercial Break over now.

I am, for the first time in my ten years of ordained ministry,
preaching my first sermon on Easter.

I just asked SP if I could. SP is good at that...a different generation than me, it wouldn't occur to SP to ask the AP if she would like to preach on Christmas or Easter....but when asked, has no problem with it. I like that. I know that I am fortunate in this way--that I know how to ask for what I want, need...and that I have a colleague that respects it.

And I am so happy the text is the garden text with Mary.

But now, I need to finishe the communion liturgy, and then I can settle in to spending time in the garden with Mary and the Gardener.

Peace to you.....

Trying to get inside myself.

2010-03-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today.
I walked doggies in rain.

Stopped by pottery studio to check on crosses I glazed for an upcoming event. Not out of kiln yet, but got two lovely handbuilt funky chunky chalices out of the glaze kiln.

Did some phone pastoral care.

Spent two hours at the dentist. Not because there was anything wrong, but I am a new client and they were very thorough. New office for dentist. Very sweet person.

Realized that my teeth are middle aged now too. Great oral hygiene I have...but those fillings do wear out from child hood. Looking at some mild dental work.

Had staff meeting.

Ate 2/3 box of Thin Mints.

Didn't brush my teeth afterward.

Pondered Mary in the Garden.

Breathed deeply a few times.

Drank some lovely water.

Wrote a letter of recommendation.

Counted money.

Surfed Craig's List looking for cheap furniture for my CE Resource room.

Ready to go home.

Have a meeting. So can't go home.

Wonder who will get kicked off American Idol tonight.

Love the longer days, in spite of the sogginess of the earth right now.

Thinking about Jesus. Maundy Thursday. The Passion. Feels surreal to me.

Aren't I supposed to be walking with Jesus? Isn't that what pastors do?

I fear I am in the crowd right now. Just not in tune, or maybe I am but I am not comfortable with my tune.

I could drive myself crazy thinking like that.

Must create agenda for meeting.

Should finish communion liturgy for Sunday.

Maybe I will get inside myself later.

Off to agendasize.

And, oh, dear God. Thank you. Amen.

Can you help my youth (and me) get to Appalachia? (A Shameless Appeal)

2010-03-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

Dear friends and family,
I have the incredible opportunity this spring to take 8 of my youth from Eliot Church on a mission trip to Appalachia to do home repair with the Appalachian Service Project. Boston and West Virginia are worlds apart, and I am excited that my congregation is supportive of this mission, and the opportunities our youth will have to not only serve God, but to be touched and transformed by the grace of God across economic boundaries and cultures.

We have been working hard to raise funding for this trip, and I have asked each of my youth to reach beyond our little congregation in asking for support for this trip, as an act of faith and courage. We still have $3000 to raise before April 17th. I feel strongly that I also need to do my part in reaching beyond , as well.

So, first, I am asking for your prayers and good energy for all going on this trip from April 17-25. Secondly, I am inviting you to share in this mission vicariously by purchasing stock in our trip! You can purchase stock shares in increments of $100, $50, $25 or any amount you choose!

When you purchase stock, you'll receive an official stock certificate signed by members of the Youth Group. And you will receive an official photograph of the youth at the Appalachian Service Project.

To purchase shares of stock, please complete the information
below and mail it with a check (payable to The Eliot Church of Newton; please write Mission Trip STOCK in memo line of check) to:
The Eliot Church of Newton 474 Centre Street
Newton, MA 02458
Attention: Elizabeth

If you would like to purchase stock as a gift to another person, just include their name and address.

OR, you can donate online with a credit/debit card, please click below. Note that this is a paypal account that is set up to receive donations. You do not need to be a member of paypal to donate-just follow the instructions on the left side of the page.

DONATE ONLINE

Mission Trip FAQ
Who is going on the trip?
Our entire confirmation class plus one more which makes 8 youth. We have two seminary students, a parent, and myself going as the chaperones.

Where are you going?
Lee County, Virginia to participate in the Appalachia Service Project (ASP) during spring vacation week, April 17-24, 2010.

What is ASP, anyway?
Appalachia Service Project (ASP) is a ministry founded by the Methodist church that fosters human development by addressing the housing needs of Central Appalachia. The goal is to improve housing for families in need, while offering transformational experiences for families, volunteers and staff. The repairs made range from the ground up to the roof -- ASP even provides first-time electricity and indoor plumbing for many families
It's a long way from Boston. What will our youth gain from this experience?
*The opportunity for meaningful service to others
*An encounter with a different culture and value system
*A chance to develop work skills
*An experience to enlighten us that our differences are only perceived-deep down we all want to be loved and belong, to create and own something worthwhile-regardless of where we live, our economic status, education, or ethnic identity

And most of all, to do the work of mission and justice as Christ calls us in Matthew 25!

Thank you so much!!! Love, Karla

well....

2010-03-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how infrequently I have been posting these days. Things have gotten a little hectic, and I have been spending so much time at the computer doing administrivia at work, I am sick of it by the time I get home, or have a free moment.

I miss writing...and connecting to that inner space of thought. I will be back, though, soon...to collect my thoughts and get some of them out of me and onto the page.

So, even though this isn't really a post, it's a base-toucher.

And touching base is always grounding.

stuff and stuff and more stuff

2010-03-04T06:24:00.000-08:00

I've not been blogging lately. Mostly because I have been busy, and if I have spare time, I am more likely to run downstairs to work on pots, or walk dogs, or just meditate.

Or, maybe I have nothing to say. Oh, but I said that before, didn't I!

The next two weeks, my congregation will be discussing the outcomes of a dialogue process in regards to the financial future of the church. The dialogues were really quite successful--a lot of people attended the small groups, were able to articulate what they love about our church, and had an opportunity to ask lots of questions. There are still more questions that are unanswered--sort of "need more information before an informed comment can be made."

However, the next steps will be extremely difficult, because the next steps require some sort of action--an action to do nothing, and continue how we are for another year while more study is engaged; an action to cut staff and programs....or some permutation of these or yet to be revealed solutions.

We have a large endowment. We aren't going to run out of money tomorrow. But the congregation wants to be mindful, and responsible--as well as wants to be vital and vibrant. I respect all of that.

I know there is a possibility that my position might be cut--not totally, I don't think--probably reduce my position. If they want to cut it totally, they won't throw me to the curb. They are good people.

It's important for them to figure out how the church can live within its means. It's important, too, for them to ask, "What is it that God is calling us to do, to be?"

I won't be here on Sunday for the forum where people are invited to discuss possible outcomes. I won't be here Tuesday, when the coordinating council will draft recommendations/motions for the congregation to vote on the following Sunday. I'm going to Chicago with my beloved for a work thing--not me, I am going to play!

My colleague will be preaching, and it is likely he won't participate in the forum, as we know they will be talking about staffing, and people may feel uncomfortable speaking freely. He may or may not participate in the co-council meeting. (We are SO congregational!).

But we have been praying together, a lot, praying for the process, for God's wisdom and guidance to permeate discussions and decisions. We have been praying for our beloved church, who is bravely and thoughtfully stepping into this challenge early enough to really be care-ful about thinking sustainably about its now, and its future.

It's a lot. But I am so proud of the process...and I pray that in these next steps that people will continue in respectful dialogue with each other and about the church. There are opportunities for divisiveness. My prayer is that there isn't. There are opportunities to slice and dice at the parts of the church's work that is the most vibrant. My prayer is that doesn't happen.

I don't have a strong opinion on what they should do. I know, though, that God does. My prayer is that we all listen to our still speaking God.

Amen.

alive and dead

2010-02-23T07:54:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling out of sorts the last couple of days. Not out of sorts in an angry way, but just in a general "walking through the fog of my life" way.

My unconscious certainly is affirming this. The other night I had a dream about a dream where I had severed my head from my body. Realizing that if that were true, I would be dead, and I didn't really intend that. So I prayed to be alive, which I was, but I still had my dead body and severed head to bury. First I buried the body. Right next to a sidewalk. Then, someone came along, so I grabbed my head, which was wrapped in a plastic bag. I had to wait for another day to bury the head, but I really wanted the head to be on top of the body, in spite of the severance. So I went back, and the ground was very hard...I scratched and scraped in the dirt, and was able to get a shallow place near the top of the body...I took the head, which now was simply the front of my face, like a mask, and tried to fit it in the spot, and cover it...I was scared to look at my dead face...and then somehow, a gardener came, and I realized the bones of my body had surfaced too, and I wanted to scoop up everything in a trash bag, because I didn't want anyone to discover the dead body and either label me a murderer (which since I was alive, I couldn't be dead) or I was worried my identity would be lost--that the dead body would be me, so then what would happen to the alive me?

I don't think I was able to rescue the bones, but after hiding for awhile, I watched the gardener plant seeds, and by the time it was safe for me to leave, there were beautiful flowing trees growing over my dead bones.

Dang. Jung would have a field day with this one, huh?

rugged greatness....

2010-02-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

I just logged out of an online store, and they have this new thing where you can express checkout with a phrase.

My phrase was all about my rugged greatness.

Weird?

But still, it sounds kind of cool. First of all, to have something computer generated that affirms my greatness sounds almost biblical. "You are my beloved..."
Maybe it is a message from God--whispering to me to remember whose I am and how much I am loved....

And rugged, well--brings to mind all of the wind-swept, outdoorsy gear from REI or Title Nine...looking great in spite of hiking 20 miles and paddling down the river for a day.

Rugged Greatness.
Meaningless and meaningful all at the same time.

Reading week with no reading.

2010-01-27T05:13:00.000-08:00

So, I decided to take this week as one of my study/professional development weeks, of which I have two. My plan was to read several books, outline the upcoming women's retreat that I am leading, do some pottery, and relax.

I finished one book. Yay! I did some pottery--and will do more--yay!

But the house has been anything but relaxing as we are on the fourth week of the bathroom remodel. I get continual calls and questions--things that need to be tended to, and it's all noisy, and yes I can go to the coffee shop or something, but that isn't what I need. I need peace. Quiet. Me and doggies and kitties, you know?

Wah, wah, I know. At least I am off, and doing things I love.

Back to reading, and no more whining.

chicken procrastination.

2010-01-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

Okay,
so...I really should be gathering an agenda for a meeting tonight, and finish up some other loose ends but why work so far ahead?

Back to chicken.

I cook for the dogs. First, it is more economical. Second, the less stuff added means healthier food, I think. Now, please note: I am a 90% vegetarian. I don't like meat, it grosses me out, and I have never craved it. However, if you invite me over to your house for dinner and serve me a piece of chicken cooked with love, I will enjoy it. Because, I want your love!!

For awhile, I was cooking ground turkey, because it was easy and not too gross. Then, I started to think about the hazards of ground meat, so I switched to boiling frozen chicken breasts. But then, how wrong is that? Chickens bred for their boobs? What about the rest of the chicken? So...this week, my conscience got the best of me, and I roasted a big chicken. Still not the best, humane choice because it wasn't free range, and the wings in proportion to other parts didn't look right, but it's the best I could do. Dogs are carnivores.

Picking apart the chicken about did me in. The dogs, however went nuts. They loved the skin. (yeewwww). Combined with some peas and brown rice---they have got it made.

I just wish there were a better way to live. I hate how our culture processes food--all food--the stuff in the grocery store. I wish I could do a Barbara Kingsolver and live off the land--well, I could if I chose to. That's not my point. I'm not sure what my point is--I am just amusing here....I just wish we all could (myself first) live more humanely and lightly on the planet, and with each other.

Thank you roasted chicken, for giving such delight to my animal friends.

God help me, help us, amen.

Chicken.

2010-01-19T07:26:00.000-08:00

While I was walking Fenway today along the Mystic River, my thoughts traveled around lazily...I would try to meditate, and then I started thinking about yesterday or what would happen later today...and then I would focus back on breathing, and then I would stop...and just stare at the snow coming down.

The snow today is perfect. Quietly falling from the sky...collecting, and then melting with just a swoosh of a mitten...

I thought about the hour I just spent from 7-8 am today...I just sort watched news, played with doggies, talked to the contractor, not doing anything with real intention or focus...just sort of being but not fully aware. Or maybe that is awareness.

I also laughed at myself as we trudged through the snow to get to the voting place...I thought to myself, if I were animal, I think I would be a sloth. They stay in bed (in the tree) all the time, and just come down to go to the bathroom. I think they eat up there, in those trees, too.
I could live life from my bed...I am perfectly content to laze around all day...stare at snow, watch birds, watch Ellen, read a little, scritch doggies and cats.

Anyway, what I was going to write about was chicken. I roasted a chicken yesterday for the dogs' food. I will have to write more about it later. So, chicken later, sloth now--or at least until I pull on those sneakers to do a little elliptical exercizing.

Wednesday...

2010-01-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

Today,
Penny the foster came to work with me. She is still here, in fact, while I write from my office. She is the best car dog ever. She loves watching traffic and pedestrians.....It's nice to have her around. Too bad she chases cats. With relish.

I don't have my pastor-goo going on today...I went to the hospital to visit a very dear, dear member who has been in and out and in out of the hospital all fall. Seriously, like every other week. She was obviously on a lot of pain medication, and I tried to find out from her what was going on this time---but she didn't know. She didn't know anything, except for where it hurt in her body. So frustrating, because I can't ask the nurses what is going on, I can't ask at the nursing home where she stays, and we are pretty much her family--the church. My colleague will be able to find out, but that isn't the point. The point is that I think that i totally did not meet her in the time of need. We chatted (well, I chatted), I read some scripture to her, and prayed over her and with her. It was fine, but I didn't feel it, you know?

And then the nursing home service just took it down to another level. Thank goodness there was another congregant with me to play the piano and sing the hymns. It just felt so straw-y to be going through a communion liturgy...it didn't seem to meet them where they are at. Again, it was fine. I didn't feel it, and I am not so sure they did either. Oh well. A day in the life of ministry.

Confirmation next. I'm keeping my fingers crossed to "feel it".

I went to visit a parishioner in the hospital today.