This is the first week all summer in my office that I feel like I have the luxury of time to wade through what is on my desk, file what is in the piles, and dream and wonder--well, after today anyway, since today is checking off the list all the things I should have finished by now but have not.
I am feeling a bit scattery---not scattered, because that is past tense--really, scattery, like all over the place.
Breathing in....
Breathing out...
it's hard to measure my breath in slow rythmn when I just want to, oh I don't know, get it all done, have it all right, have everything brilliantly into place.
I know, I know, I kid myself with this illusion.
I think I will put the computer to sleep,
straighten up the papers on my desk into a neat pile,
go over to the rocking chair with my breath and
settle in and meditate.
Lord, hear my prayer...
to focus, to see your vision, to know my vision,
to dream big, and live in the now.
Amen.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
packing memories
again,
this is one of those posts where I want to list what I want to reflect upon before I forget it....hopefully in August I will be able to actually write...
I am sitting in the only free wi-fi spot in Western North Dakota....a coffee house named "Daily Addiction" cute name, but my chai was made from powder--powder, and then hot water poured in. Sigh. I guess I shouldn't expect so much when the county courthouse cafe is the best lunch spot in town, right?
Packing up my parent's house has been a trip. This is a house I grew up in--from third grade on. I was sneaking around in the basement last night---I've stashed a bottle of wine in the downstairs fridge which is in the laundry room, and when I opened the door to the laundry room, it creaked. It creaked just like it did thirty years ago when I was in high school. It's funny how many memories a creaky door evokes---as a little kid, I would sneak to that fridge to steal Christmas cookies (o.k., I did that as an adult, too)....and then there was the summer I was dating a much older man who was working in the oil fields, and sneaking down the stairs that still creak with the same sound as the laundry room door. Any way, I want to write more about the creaks.
And I want to write about the memories thrown into the dumpster--my barbie doll case with only Ken remaining in it; and the oil paintings I painted as a teenager, and the piano lesson music, and all of the jars my mother has saved for, oh, about 40 years, and the missing things, like the elm trees in the backyard that created so much havoc because it dropped so many twigs and my stepfather was never satisfied at how we cleaned them up, and the electric frying pan that my mom would fry liver in that I was made to eat, and I would gag it down because if I didn't it would be world war three.....
and then, how old they are....how forgetful and tender and vulnerable they both are...my mom and my stepdad....how they bicker and yet they are each other's anchors in spite of....losing their minds (literally) and being scared of this move more than they let on, and yet the ball is rolling and there is no turning back...which is good....and how I want to just wrap them up in my arms and want to tell them that I am going to take care of them, and not to worry, but I worry too, but I will, and my sisters will take care of them, no doubt.....
Really, though, I came to do a little work on my sermon for Sunday. So...for now, I will let all of this rest, and finish my powdery chai.
I really look forward to Starbucks on Saturday in Boston.
this is one of those posts where I want to list what I want to reflect upon before I forget it....hopefully in August I will be able to actually write...
I am sitting in the only free wi-fi spot in Western North Dakota....a coffee house named "Daily Addiction" cute name, but my chai was made from powder--powder, and then hot water poured in. Sigh. I guess I shouldn't expect so much when the county courthouse cafe is the best lunch spot in town, right?
Packing up my parent's house has been a trip. This is a house I grew up in--from third grade on. I was sneaking around in the basement last night---I've stashed a bottle of wine in the downstairs fridge which is in the laundry room, and when I opened the door to the laundry room, it creaked. It creaked just like it did thirty years ago when I was in high school. It's funny how many memories a creaky door evokes---as a little kid, I would sneak to that fridge to steal Christmas cookies (o.k., I did that as an adult, too)....and then there was the summer I was dating a much older man who was working in the oil fields, and sneaking down the stairs that still creak with the same sound as the laundry room door. Any way, I want to write more about the creaks.
And I want to write about the memories thrown into the dumpster--my barbie doll case with only Ken remaining in it; and the oil paintings I painted as a teenager, and the piano lesson music, and all of the jars my mother has saved for, oh, about 40 years, and the missing things, like the elm trees in the backyard that created so much havoc because it dropped so many twigs and my stepfather was never satisfied at how we cleaned them up, and the electric frying pan that my mom would fry liver in that I was made to eat, and I would gag it down because if I didn't it would be world war three.....
and then, how old they are....how forgetful and tender and vulnerable they both are...my mom and my stepdad....how they bicker and yet they are each other's anchors in spite of....losing their minds (literally) and being scared of this move more than they let on, and yet the ball is rolling and there is no turning back...which is good....and how I want to just wrap them up in my arms and want to tell them that I am going to take care of them, and not to worry, but I worry too, but I will, and my sisters will take care of them, no doubt.....
Really, though, I came to do a little work on my sermon for Sunday. So...for now, I will let all of this rest, and finish my powdery chai.
I really look forward to Starbucks on Saturday in Boston.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
whoops!
note: I just embarrassingly posted this at the RGBP place for prayer. So glad I caught it in the same minute and deleted it. it is deleted, right?
thought list.
I've been back from vacation for a few days....I led worship/preached on Sunday while jetlagged (in a serious way---I told my congo that if my words slurred it wasn't because I had imbibed in any early morning cocktails, but that it felt like 3 in the morning to my body)....
Then I enjoyed the 4th...and yesterday was the first day back in the office. Caught up on emails, tried to discern the status of a serious pastoral situation, and then around 3:30 headed over to Whole Foods to get a little light lunch which turned into the Devil Food, and not in a good way. (I know, I have mentioned this on Twitter and Facebook, which makes it true. I am a certifiable Drama Princess. Not quite queen material yet, but I am working on it.) Thing is, I haven't lost my cookies like that since I was a kid. Oof.
Which is to say, after feeling like crap for about 18 hours, now I am just left over and don't feel like anything, but know that I need to get a leg up for Sunday worship.
But I have a list of posts to write, or thoughts to explore, so I am going to list them here, so that hopefully when I am all chipper and ready to ponder, I will remember what it was I wanted to think about out loud on the page.
1. Wiggy--a tribute to my little dog that we needed to put down on Sunday
2. Swimming with dolphins. and herds of fish and turtles.
3. Aloha spirit, and the spiritual depth of hawaii.
4. Wild chickens and roosters in Kauai
5. The meaning of the ecumenical baptism agreement that Synod approved (or whatever).
6. Personal group emails--this is a good one.
7. Pastoring sick people in New England.
8. My parents moving out of their home after living in it for 40 years, and moving to Minnesota after living their whole lives in one town.
9. My call. That's ongoing.
10. sermons and podcasts.
11. probably other stuff too, but can't remember right now.
I have parked myself at Starbucks for a little while. After sipping my coffee, wondering if this was a good idea. Oh well.
What are YOU thinking about?
Then I enjoyed the 4th...and yesterday was the first day back in the office. Caught up on emails, tried to discern the status of a serious pastoral situation, and then around 3:30 headed over to Whole Foods to get a little light lunch which turned into the Devil Food, and not in a good way. (I know, I have mentioned this on Twitter and Facebook, which makes it true. I am a certifiable Drama Princess. Not quite queen material yet, but I am working on it.) Thing is, I haven't lost my cookies like that since I was a kid. Oof.
Which is to say, after feeling like crap for about 18 hours, now I am just left over and don't feel like anything, but know that I need to get a leg up for Sunday worship.
But I have a list of posts to write, or thoughts to explore, so I am going to list them here, so that hopefully when I am all chipper and ready to ponder, I will remember what it was I wanted to think about out loud on the page.
1. Wiggy--a tribute to my little dog that we needed to put down on Sunday
2. Swimming with dolphins. and herds of fish and turtles.
3. Aloha spirit, and the spiritual depth of hawaii.
4. Wild chickens and roosters in Kauai
5. The meaning of the ecumenical baptism agreement that Synod approved (or whatever).
6. Personal group emails--this is a good one.
7. Pastoring sick people in New England.
8. My parents moving out of their home after living in it for 40 years, and moving to Minnesota after living their whole lives in one town.
9. My call. That's ongoing.
10. sermons and podcasts.
11. probably other stuff too, but can't remember right now.
I have parked myself at Starbucks for a little while. After sipping my coffee, wondering if this was a good idea. Oh well.
What are YOU thinking about?
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Three Days
So...countdown to vacation.
Three days to get everything all together...sometimes it feels like you need to take time off to get ready for vacation! It doesn't help that we have all these animals--the battle against the hair and hair balls is constant.
My Sunday went well....
I think that my sermon was very good, and the service as a whole was connected and flowed. We had children singing and cool things from the choir. My congo loved it. My visitors--???---I have no idea. At lunch we had a nice light discussion, and they made favorable comments.
Yesterday, I worked with my personal trainer, and I had a boxing lesson. It was GREAT. Fun...and I am still sore. I do like having someone to work with me, and I am learning alot.
I finally got my flowers in yesterday, and planted some tomatoes. Here's hoping I have better luck than last year.
Today is a dreary and wet day. Will we ever have several days of sun?
Trying to decide what "craft" to take along with me. Knitting? Crocheting bracelets? I always want to have something to do besides reading.
Time to walk doggies. Then off to Zumba.
Three days to get everything all together...sometimes it feels like you need to take time off to get ready for vacation! It doesn't help that we have all these animals--the battle against the hair and hair balls is constant.
My Sunday went well....
I think that my sermon was very good, and the service as a whole was connected and flowed. We had children singing and cool things from the choir. My congo loved it. My visitors--???---I have no idea. At lunch we had a nice light discussion, and they made favorable comments.
Yesterday, I worked with my personal trainer, and I had a boxing lesson. It was GREAT. Fun...and I am still sore. I do like having someone to work with me, and I am learning alot.
I finally got my flowers in yesterday, and planted some tomatoes. Here's hoping I have better luck than last year.
Today is a dreary and wet day. Will we ever have several days of sun?
Trying to decide what "craft" to take along with me. Knitting? Crocheting bracelets? I always want to have something to do besides reading.
Time to walk doggies. Then off to Zumba.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Pastor
I have been thinking a lot lately about pastoral identity. How do you present as a pastor, if you are one? Or, how do you view your pastor?
For example, I had this great conversation with my former colleague at dinner last week. He has a priestly sort of pastoral identity. What I mean is that he really sees The Pastor as a conduit to connecting to God. He just happens to be the one filling that The Pastor role. Well, not any more, but he will fill that role as The Pastor somewhere else. We talked about how he insisted that his office not be called Joe's Office (psuedonym) but rather The Pastor's Office. He really did this well, filling The Pastor identity role. It gave me so much insight into our past four years together. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Yes--and my colleague is a gifted pastor and leader. It was difficult at times, but over all , good.
On the other hand, I think of myself as a pastor...I suppose that is because I am currently an associate pastor, but when I think back on 11 years of ministry, it is always how I have approached my calls. As a pastor I am a part of my congregation, but with a different call and role in it. I have to have certain boundaries, because I am bound to confidentiality. However, I think of my office, as well, my office. Karla's office. When I preach, I am very personal about my own journey--a traveler alongside of, maybe at times in different places. I focus on faith and spirituality so I can share what I have learned with my congregants. I know there is a certain sense of authority I embody, but that is because I am charged with certain ministries and tasks over which I have authority....I don't think I am articulating this all that well. But I think, that when I am in my own congregation, I will still think of myself as a pastor in the congregation, maybe even the pastor of the congregation, but not The Pastor.
What about you?
For example, I had this great conversation with my former colleague at dinner last week. He has a priestly sort of pastoral identity. What I mean is that he really sees The Pastor as a conduit to connecting to God. He just happens to be the one filling that The Pastor role. Well, not any more, but he will fill that role as The Pastor somewhere else. We talked about how he insisted that his office not be called Joe's Office (psuedonym) but rather The Pastor's Office. He really did this well, filling The Pastor identity role. It gave me so much insight into our past four years together. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Yes--and my colleague is a gifted pastor and leader. It was difficult at times, but over all , good.
On the other hand, I think of myself as a pastor...I suppose that is because I am currently an associate pastor, but when I think back on 11 years of ministry, it is always how I have approached my calls. As a pastor I am a part of my congregation, but with a different call and role in it. I have to have certain boundaries, because I am bound to confidentiality. However, I think of my office, as well, my office. Karla's office. When I preach, I am very personal about my own journey--a traveler alongside of, maybe at times in different places. I focus on faith and spirituality so I can share what I have learned with my congregants. I know there is a certain sense of authority I embody, but that is because I am charged with certain ministries and tasks over which I have authority....I don't think I am articulating this all that well. But I think, that when I am in my own congregation, I will still think of myself as a pastor in the congregation, maybe even the pastor of the congregation, but not The Pastor.
What about you?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
the end.
So,
Today we had our farewell worship and liturgy for my colleague, who although not technically retiring (he is going on to do f/t interim ministry) we (the congo) treated it like a retirement, since he has been with the congo for 16 years.
The last month has been a month of lasts, for him. I decided my role was to be Support, and to make sure every detail that perhaps a lay person hadn't thought of, would be taken care of. Our moderator, and the farewell team were phenomenal. The whole congo was phenomenal....and worship today was beautiful. The hymns, the music, my colleagues message, communion by intinction with chalices and patens made by our 91 year old potter (who started to learn pottery four years ago), to the farewell liturgy. Lovely gifts....and a surprise tie dye t-shirt and pocket altar from the youth really blew him away. I feel that it all has been healthy and lovely....and for my own closure with him..., well, we went out for bombay sapphire martinis and greek food. YUM. And, delightful.
So, we enter into the summer. Next week, on Pentecost, there will be guests in worship that I know of (you know what I mean).....and then two weeks of vacation in Hawaii. The rest of the summer I will be the pastor and head of staff (staff of two, hah!) until the interim arrives near the end of August. I will have to visit my 'rents at some point, because their health is so, well, tentative.
I imagine, I will have some decisions facing me.
For now,
I am just glad,
that the farewells have been generous and thorough.
And,
now, a new chapter begins.
Amen.
Today we had our farewell worship and liturgy for my colleague, who although not technically retiring (he is going on to do f/t interim ministry) we (the congo) treated it like a retirement, since he has been with the congo for 16 years.
The last month has been a month of lasts, for him. I decided my role was to be Support, and to make sure every detail that perhaps a lay person hadn't thought of, would be taken care of. Our moderator, and the farewell team were phenomenal. The whole congo was phenomenal....and worship today was beautiful. The hymns, the music, my colleagues message, communion by intinction with chalices and patens made by our 91 year old potter (who started to learn pottery four years ago), to the farewell liturgy. Lovely gifts....and a surprise tie dye t-shirt and pocket altar from the youth really blew him away. I feel that it all has been healthy and lovely....and for my own closure with him..., well, we went out for bombay sapphire martinis and greek food. YUM. And, delightful.
So, we enter into the summer. Next week, on Pentecost, there will be guests in worship that I know of (you know what I mean).....and then two weeks of vacation in Hawaii. The rest of the summer I will be the pastor and head of staff (staff of two, hah!) until the interim arrives near the end of August. I will have to visit my 'rents at some point, because their health is so, well, tentative.
I imagine, I will have some decisions facing me.
For now,
I am just glad,
that the farewells have been generous and thorough.
And,
now, a new chapter begins.
Amen.
Monday, May 23, 2011
just a prayer
a prayer.
help me listen.
help me know.
help me be honest within.
help me HEAR you speaking.
are you speaking?
are you silent?
how to proceed?
how to know?
so many questions.
so many prayers.
know this.
I am so ready, so ready, so ready....
for movement.
so that I can settle.
you have called me to this. well, at least I think so.
no. This I Know.
what to let go of?
why has this been so....oh, I don't know. complicated?
maybe I am making it complicated.
where is the dream?
dear, dear, dear One.
lead me
guide me....
and help me to know that it is You.
Amen.
help me listen.
help me know.
help me be honest within.
help me HEAR you speaking.
are you speaking?
are you silent?
how to proceed?
how to know?
so many questions.
so many prayers.
know this.
I am so ready, so ready, so ready....
for movement.
so that I can settle.
you have called me to this. well, at least I think so.
no. This I Know.
what to let go of?
why has this been so....oh, I don't know. complicated?
maybe I am making it complicated.
where is the dream?
dear, dear, dear One.
lead me
guide me....
and help me to know that it is You.
Amen.
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