So this week I had an appointment that was a little sudden, and it created several hours of anxiousness and worry.
What would I learn?
Would it be the worst thing I can imagine?
Maybe there is something worse than I can imagine, it might be that?
Will I be devastated, crestfallen?
Will I be surprised by joy? (o.k. that was just a nano-second of trying to look on the other side, but, it was an unrealistic thought.)
I went for a long, long walk, and prayed.
Of course, what came to mind was the Matthew text that tells us to "look at the lilies of the field, they do not have a care..."
Instead of that being comforting I was vaguely irritated.
If I WERE a Lily, I wouldn't be anxious, because I wouldn't be HUMAN. Lilies just have to be lilies. Being a present, in the moment, humanoid is a little more complicated--well, as far as I can see, anyway.
Oh, and that whole thing about "God's eye is on the sparrow..."--I thought to myself, "tell that to the two featherless tiny birds that got knocked out of their nest that I picked up off the sidewalk the other day..."
I don't mean to be cynical, because I really am not cynical. Overall, I am not an anxious person, or a worry wart. (Maybe a little bit of a worry wart, but it's over stupid things like parking in a no-parking zone, or breaking a traffic rule.)
In the fullness of life, I know that I am beloved, watched out for, cared for, and will always be o.k.
But in the tiny bumps and curves of the journey, those little things that create aching disappointment or slight rejection or even make a blow to one's confidence, it's easy to be irritated by the lilies.
So, sorry lilies.
You are bugging me today.
I know I am being held.