Elevators

Or not.
I had a dream the other night, which was fairly prophetic. 
First, it indicated the restlessness of my soul,
and it revealed the part of my ego that tells me "you haven't earned it, yet".

The other part was about the elevator.
I got into an elevator to go to the 13th floor, where my new apartment was...
and yet, the elevator went beyond the roof of the building to barely touch the bottom of a bridge like structure.   The elevator told me that floor hadn't been developed yet.  

I really needed to get to my room.   So, I went to the old elevator, which instead of going directly up, went on this circuitous path on the ground, like a cable car, winding through construction, taking forever until it stopped at another elevator that promised to take me to my room.  

The impression that I am left with is that there is no direct route, although that would make sense.   This is a circuitous journey  through construction I am on.....and it doesn't make sense or is even logical.  It just is. 

I am restless.
I am impatient on this journey. 
It is confusing and challenge and burgeoning with Question.
So much to think about in this dream.

Oh God,
bless the restlessness of my heart, and the dancing thoughts in my mind.
Amen.

Friday Five, abbreviated....

Over at revgals  Terri posted a beautiful Mary Oliver poem, which pretty much will leave you breathless--well at least, it did me.  Mary Oliver poetry= thick, gorgeous, rich, delicious, juicy, drippy, and yet perfect.

Anyway,
after the poem, she invited us to share five gratitudes.  So even though it is late in the Fry-day...I feel the need the spiritual practice of gratitude.  So here it goes:

1) I am grateful for the cloud of friends who offer love and beauty and support and depth to my life.  Whether I know you from my 20's or 30's, whether you were my mentor or teacher or student or member of congregations past and present, virtual friend, revgal, soul sister, soul brother, or everything beyond and in between I stop speechless at the variety and incredible wealth I have experienced from all of you.  Seriously--blessing upon blessing upon blessing.

2)  I am grateful for the cicadas and night sounds right now.  For the quiet of the house, for the lull of traffic, for the purrs of cats and snoring of dogs.....and the sound of my beloved busy downstairs with everything and nothing....

3) I am grateful for being relaxed in this moment--in spite of recent disappointments and impending confusions that need to be resolved, and how unsettled things are professionally in many ways.  Yes...for now, I can simply place all of that on the shelf.

4)  I am grateful for....well, one revgal is grateful for tins and plastic cr*p that make housekeeping easier, I guess I will say I am grateful for shoes.   I love shoes.  It's a weird thing, but they just make me so happy.  I am no shoe hoarder, and only wear practical ones, but still, they make me happy.  So silly, I know.

5) Am grateful for....having been raised in faith, for experiencing God in so many ways, and for now, knowing I will always rest in the arms of God.   In spite of my doubt and questions and seeking,  I always know to Whom I belong,  and that I am beloved by the Beloved.  

and lastly, so very grateful for the gentle invitation of this Friday Five.  Thank you Terri.

it's just all confusing.

I know you know what I mean.
Sometimes,
When you think you are following a path....
and
you are affirmed in a certain way,
and
informally,
you think all are on board,
and the messages get mixed....
and it all gets confusing.

Well.
Don't mean to be cryptic, because this is the kind of situation that could happen anywhere. Anytime, with anyone.

My prayer these days is to not over-react.
My prayer these days is to not feel threatened.
My prayer these days is to be strong and confident, and, in the words of my dear friend, which I am not stealing, but just embracing in the moment, is to be fierce and fabulous for Jesus.
Or at least,
believe that Jesus thinks I am fierce and fabulous...
because honestly,
sometimes I wonder.

I am a tree, with deep roots.
My roots feel a little shaken loose right now.  I am not uprooted, I am still a living tree with deep roots.
Maybe just a surprised tree--
Like, maybe how trees feel when a limb is broken off,
or a huge storm whips it around....

So,
good, great God....
please hear my prayer,
and hold me close.
Amen.

scattery-ness!

This is the first week all summer in my office that I feel like I have the luxury of time to wade through what is on my desk, file what is in the piles, and dream and wonder--well, after today anyway, since today is checking off the list all the things I should have finished by now but have not. 

I am feeling a bit scattery---not scattered, because that is past tense--really, scattery, like all over the place.
Breathing in....
Breathing out...
it's hard to measure my breath in slow rythmn when I just want to, oh I don't know, get it all done, have it all right, have everything brilliantly into place.

I know, I know, I kid myself with this illusion.

I think I will put the computer to sleep,
straighten up the papers on my desk into a neat pile,
go over to the rocking chair with my breath and
settle in and meditate.  

Lord, hear my prayer...
to focus, to see your vision, to know my vision,
to dream big, and live in the now.
Amen.