Conflicted.

Tomorrow, I solemnize a marriage with a civil ceremony.
One of the couple is like a sibling and dear friend.
The other--I met once, and experienced rudeness.
So.. As a friend...I do the ceremony, and grieve the loss of my friend.

I thought we were adults by now...

Sexist.

I must admit.
I have caught myself doing what I hate...but at least I caught myself, right?

Here is the thing.  I was watching the news, and  Hilary Clinton's photo came up, and said to myself,
"ugh, I hate her hair. It looked so much better shorter."
Then, the other night, when Candy Crowly was moderating the debate, I looked at here and said to myself, "Ugh. Candy? Really? Spiral curls?  Not a good look."

And then, I stopped.

If Candy and Hilary wear their hair long, curly, ponytails, who cares? 

The other day, my colleague and I were at an event, and a young woman was dressed in a nice jacket and incredibly short skirt (as I think is the fashion these days).  It was a young fashionista polished look.  Here's the thing, though, she was a largish young woman, and the the short skirt , well, revealed a lot of heavy legs.    I thought to myself, "Not a good look for you, honey..."

And then I stopped.

I reframed my thought, and said to myself (o.k. yes, I do talk a lot to myself....but isn't the perogative of middle age?), "Good for her for having the confidence to rock her look."

I don't know about you, but I feel like, as women, we   need to support what is on the inside of our sisters.  I need to be better at this...because we are all socialized to look at the outside in order to assess the whole person.  

Don't get me wrong, I love to pick out clothes, I love to don my bracelets and earrings, and pick out lip-gloss.   But if I show up wearing baggy pants, ruffled hair, and a shade of lipstick that doesn't really favor my coloring, it makes no difference of who I am on the inside.  A strong, capable, proud, beautiful person with depth and integrity. 

That's what I need to remember when I encounter people--go beyond the skin.  To wonder at the inner life of someone.  To think to myself, wow, "Candy Crowley, I wonder what it is like to be you right now--moderating a presidential debate!  Did you ever think when you were 16 that this is what you might do someday?"

So, I am going to work on my inner-sexist critic thing.   And celebrate confidence and character in women...and men. 

And that's it for now!

Friday Five!

Whoopsie! Friday Five

random photo of Daisy dog

Isn't Daisy cute?  She turns 15 in November!   
Wow, how is it that it is the second Friday of October, already??
I don't know about you, but this fall has been incredibly FULL, and time is flying faster than I can keep track of it!

So, first things first.
Take a moment, and take 5 deep slow breaths...
One....
Two...
Three...
Four...
Five....
Yep, I did it again.  It's going to be a breathing kind of weekend.   

Well, I feel more centered now.
So, let's get on with a Random Friday Five.
1. Tell us a moment of blessing that you have experienced in the past week.

Well, it's hard to pick one, but yesterday my colleague and I went to the assisted living center next to our church to lead Protestant worship and only one lady showed up.  We visited with her and then shared communion together.  It was a simple sweet blessing.   Her smile and laugh were gentle and sincere.   

2. Share the first thing/story that comes to mind when you read "When I was a child..."

My friend Vanessa and I would spend all day building Barbie doll mansions out of  blankets and furniture in her rec room in the basement.  By the time we finished, we ran out of time to actually PLAY Barbies.  
3, 4, and 5. If you were the host of a t.v. talk show, what three people would you like to interview on your first show, and what would you ask them.

I would definitely invite Sylvia the Pet Psychic and have her talk to my cats and dogs that I have adopted to find out what their stories were before I got them from the shelter, street.....

Then I would interview the Property Brothers from HGTV, and have them help  me redesign my kitchen.  

Finally, I would interview the Dalai Lama, because I am bummed that he is speaking at the tiny Tibetan Buddhist Center two blocks from my home but it's a closed event.   I would just ask him to share his heart wisdom.  

Clearly, the name of my talk show would be, "All About Me"  (shaking my head at myself....)

So it's September 4.
School has started, and I am hopelessly not ready for the fall.
My programming is in a bit of disarray (and that's really being generous.)
Lots of odds and ends to shape up, and
my feelings are mixed--energetic, pulled back, old hat, confident, and procrastinating.
Not sure those are feelings, but it's how I am wearing my skin today as I enter into the week.

On my printer, I have taped these words:
"God grant me the grace not to shake up the world on your behalf,
but to get the people around me to do it, too.  Amen."

Shake me up God,
so I can shake it up for you...
Shake me up, God,
so I can ignite those around me to shake up the world with me, with You,
to be excited and joyful and loving and grateful
in the ministry we do together.

Shake us up, God.
Amen.

a lovely thought.

I had an impromtu lunch with a colleague who about an hour ago announced his resignation from the organization he leads, to take on a really cool brand new position at a local university.   We were talking, and then decided to share lunch together to catch up.

We were talking about transitions, and narrow places, mitzrayim in Hebrew.  Mitzrayim was Egypt--a narrow place for the Israelites, and God lead them out of the mitzrayim into the promised land. 

He spoke of his prayers the past few weeks as he was discerning his decision, and he said his prayer was, "Open the way."   I love that.  Not, "Show me the way"  or "Reveal the Way", but "Open the Way."

I am not necessarily in a narrow place, except perhaps in my heart-soul.
So my prayer today and for many days is:
"God, open the way.  Open the way."

Amen.

The Best.

Yesterday,
a friend asked me if I knew that I deserved "the best" because I did. 

I have been thinking about that.  On a level, yes, I deserve the best, but most of the times I really don't think I deserve anything, much less the best! (baggage from somewhere, yes, I know. Yes, I continue to work on this. )

There is so much abundance in my life--love, health, well-being, art, friendship,  home, and more love.

Isn't that the best?

Irritated with the lilies.

So this week I had an appointment that was a little sudden, and it created several hours of anxiousness and worry. 

What would I learn?
Would it be the worst thing I can imagine?
Maybe there is something worse than I can imagine, it might be that?
Will I be devastated, crestfallen?
Will I be surprised by joy? (o.k. that was just a nano-second of trying to look on the other side, but, it was an unrealistic thought.)

I went for a long, long walk, and prayed. 
Of course, what came to mind was the Matthew text that tells us to "look at the lilies of the field, they do not have a care..."
Instead of that being comforting I was vaguely irritated. 

If I WERE a Lily, I wouldn't be anxious, because I wouldn't be HUMAN.  Lilies just have to be lilies.  Being a present, in the moment, humanoid is a little more complicated--well, as far as I can see, anyway.

Oh, and that whole thing about "God's eye is on the sparrow..."--I thought to myself, "tell that to the two featherless tiny birds that got knocked out of their nest that I picked up off the sidewalk the other day..."

I don't mean to be cynical, because I really am not cynical.   Overall, I am not an anxious person, or a worry wart. (Maybe a little bit of a worry wart, but it's over stupid things like parking in a no-parking zone, or breaking a traffic rule.)  

In the fullness of life, I know that I am beloved, watched out for, cared for, and will always be o.k.

But in the tiny bumps and curves of the journey, those little things that create aching disappointment or slight rejection or even make a blow to one's confidence, it's easy to be irritated by the lilies.
So, sorry lilies.
You are bugging me today. 

And God,
sigh.
I know I am being held.  

Amen.